Dealing with Fear

Are you ever afraid?

I would be very surprised if anyone answered "no" to this question!  Apart from anything else, there is a purpose for fear.  It would not be very sensible to try to eliminate it.

The purpose of fear is survival, of course!  It is sometimes known as the "fight or flight response".  Fear is the natural reaction to dangerous situations.  It prepares you to remove the danger - either by confronting it to get rid of it (fight), or to remove yourself from the dangerous situation (flight).  In modern civilized society fear is much less needed than it was when man was a hunter-gatherer.  There are far fewer life-threatening situations which require you to fight or run away.  There are still many situations where you need to take action to prevent unpleasant consequences, but in most cases the fight or flight response is inappropriate.

What is the correct response to fear?  First, you should check what is causing the fear.  Second, you should decide how you should react to that fear.  Third, you should decide whether you literally need to fight or run, or whether a different response is required.  If you do need literally to fight or run, then leave the fear unchecked to allow you to have the necessary increase in strength and speed.  Don't let it get so strong that it paralyzes you, like a rabbit in the car headlights, but allow it to do its physiological job.  If you don't need to fight or run, then you may either "sublimate" the fear, or create a state change to remove it.

Here is an example where you may actually need the fear for its original purpose:

You are in the jungle and a lion suddenly appears.  Unless you are a very unusual person, at this point you will become very afraid.  My understanding is that you should not run in this situation, as that will encourage the lion to run after and attack you - and believe me when I tell you a lion can run rather faster than you!  My research tells me that a hunting lion can reach speeds of 50 mph or more, and I am quite sure this would be too fast for you!  So you shouldn't use the "flight" reaction.  Instead, use the "fight" response.  Make yourself appear threatening to the lion.  You could act this without the fear there to stimulate you, but it would not be anywhere near as effective as it will be if you use the physiological change to indicate you are ready to fight.  Raise your hands and yell at the lion!  Then walk away slowly, not running, whilst maintaining that threatening attitude.  In most cases, this strategy is likely to work and you may well get away completely unscathed.  But if the lion continues to attack, use that fear to push you right into fight mode.  Now you are not pretending you are going to fight - you actually are fighting.  Punch the lion in the face, aiming at its eyes if possible.  Without a massive flow of adrenalin into your system, your attack on the lion would no doubt be a very miserable attempt.  But allow the adrenalin to fulfil its purpose and you will be able to punch hard, causing quite a lot of damage.  In many cases that has been enough for the lion to decide this prey is too much trouble and to slink away.

A good example of sublimating fear is the way many actors use stage fright to give better performances.  They express that fear through the energy, emotions and passion they need to put into their performance.  But some great performers have been unable to sublimate their fear in this way, and the result has been catastrophic.  Barbra Streisand had a 27 year hiatus in her singing career, caused by severe stage fright.

If you find you have just the "right" amount of fear for the situation you are in, then don't try to do anything to remove it.  The negative emotion is fulfilling its purpose.  Don't let it paralyse you.  Instead, begin immediately to use it to improve your ability to run or to fight.  As in the above "lion" example.

But if fear is inappropriate for the situation you are in, which most of the time will be the case, you need a state change to remove that fear.  This is not the same as the way I have outlined in other articles for removing worry.  A good way to remove worry is to think logically about the situation you are in, recognize that worry is not going to change it, and then move on.  But fear tends to be an instantaneous response, and usually requires something much faster acting than logical thinking.  Hence my suggestion of a state change.

A good way to create a state change is to adopt a different body posture.  Posture and emotions are inextricably linked.  When you are feeling a powerful emotion you will find your body adopts a particular posture that fits the emotion.  But also, if you adopt a posture normally associated with a particular emotion you will find it creates that emotion.  It works both ways.  So think of a very different, positive emotion and try to adopt the posture that fits with that emotion.  Ideally you should prepare a set of postures in advance.  Work on creating a posture for joy, one for high energy, one for a relaxed state, one for inspiration, one for awe, etc.  Then work on creating just a small body movement that links to the full posture for the positive emotion.

This is, as you will realize, a long term project, and one that goes far beyond simply countering fear.  You can use it to counter any negative emotion.  If you have done a lot of work on this, then by all means create an appropriate state change by using one of the "positive postures" you have worked on.

But if you have not yet reached the stage where you have a portfolio of postures you can readily adopt, go for "high energy".  This is something you will already have experienced if you have been to any of the programs run by someone like Tony Robbins or T Harv Eker.  If you have not been to one of those programs you can still easily do this.  Stand up straight, as quickly as you can.  Jump up and down, if possible thinking about something that makes you feel really good.  Wave your arms in the air.  Imagine you can hear some really loud, pumping music, and pump your arms up and down in time to that music.  It will simply not be possible for you to maintain a state of paralyzing fear while you are doing this!  The adrenalin may continue pumping, but it will definitely be linked more to "fight" than "flight".  Of course, you may be in a situation where you cannot jump up and down, but try to do as much of this routine as you can without totally embarrassing yourself in that situation - maybe jumping to your feet and punching one arm into the air will be enough.  When you feel really energized, then try another state change for relaxation, peace, and happiness. Sit down, without slumping (that is very important), close your eyes, and recall an event where you were really happy.  At the same time smile broadly.  Really imagine yourself there, eliciting your happiness both from that event and from your broad smile.  Breath deeply and slowly.  Focus on that deep breathing, and relax.  Now gradually open your eyes and come back to your "reality".  You should find you now have a very different emotion.  The fear should be gone, and replaced with peace and happiness.

I hope you will never need to use the technique I have given you for dealing with a stalking lion, but if you do you will find this technique really is the best you can do and it could literally save your life.  I am, though, quite sure you will face other things in life which cause fear or even panic - use the state change techniques I have outlined and make that fear and other negative emotions a thing of the past.

If you feel you need help with any of the issues raised in this article, go here:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/stress/ 

State Change

In a previous blog I emphasized that we are each in control of our own emotions.  External factors may seem to create negative or positive emotions, but this only happens because we allow it.

So how do you actually switch from a negative to a positive emotion?  What do you need to do to achieve this?

This is not an easy thing to do, especially if it is not something you do all the time (or perhaps have never done), and especially if the negative emotion you are feeling is very strong.  It is not easy, but you CAN do it.

I would suggest the way NOT to do it is to say something like "come on, perk up!", or to have someone say this to you.  You may just as well say "come on, flap your arms and fly!" for all the good that does.

In Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) it is common to hear a lot of talk about "state change".  Really, this is just another phrase for saying the same thing - changing your emotions.

If you are in a deep funk, maybe desperately sad about something, or perhaps very angry, before you can replace this negative emotion with a positive one you need to switch out of that mood as quickly as possible.  And "as quickly as possible" can be very quick.  It can be instantaneous!

In a very recent blog article I gave you a technique you could use for this in a specific situation.  Someone has made you very angry.  How can you snap right out of that angry mood?  One method I suggested was to imagine the person who has made you angry is suddenly standing there completely naked.  Depending on the circumstances you may now wish to laugh out loud.  I say "depending on the circumstances" as if the person is standing right there it might not be appropriate for you to laugh suddenly.  In the example I gave, you are driving a car and the person who made you angry is the driver of another car who has cut you up.  In that situation you can, and SHOULD, laugh out loud as you picture them standing there stark naked.  Where the person is standing in front of you, still see him stark naked but only laugh internally.

Try this.  If you have never done something like this before you will be amazed at the result.  You should find your laughter wipes away that negative emotion, giving you time to replace it with a positive emotion of your choice.

This is only one example of a state change technique, but it is a very powerful one.

Once you have wiped away the negative emotion, recognize that what caused it was your reaction to someone or something - not that someone or something itself.  The person has not changed, and nor has the situation, but you are no longer angry (for example) but are inwardly and perhaps outwardly laughing.

The next step is to stop yourself reacting negatively again once the amusement has passed.  To a degree you have already done that - just keep that naked image there.  But there is also an inner conversation you had with yourself that generated the negative emotion in the first place, or at least perpetuated and amplified it.  You may have said something like this to yourself: "How dare he move into my lane like that, so close to me and without even signalling!".  Now that you have created a state change, don't waste this opportunity by engaging in the same negative conversation again.  Yes, the guy who cut you up did a silly thing.  It was not nice.  But don't add to the problems he may have caused you by allowing him to make you miserable.  You already know what he did was wrong and why it was wrong, so there is no need at all for you to have a conversation with yourself about it.  On the other hand, you could certainly continue a conversation resulting from your amusement about him sitting in his car stark naked!

So that is a technique you can use to stop a negative emotion in its tracks.  A very effective technique.  Try to think of others.  It is best to have a selection of such techniques in your "state change armoury".  The one I have just given you works very well when it is a person that is causing the negative emotion.  You can extend it just a little so you can use it in any situation, not just one caused by a person.  For example, you may choose to see everyone around you as naked.  This will still create the state change you need, even though they are all innocent and you have nothing against any of them.  Think of a few more like this and remember to use them next time you are suffering from a negative emotion of any kind.

After you have removed the negative emotion and stopped yourself from calling it back again, the final step is to trigger a positive emotion.

There is much you can do to trigger a positive emotion.  I find one of the best ways is to recall a time in the past when you felt that emotion really strongly.  Visualize it.  See it as though you are sat in a cinema and the scene you remember is now being played on the screen.  In colour.  This is important.  Your mind, which doesn't like anything that changes your state, will probably try to limit you by making the film black and white rather than colour.  If that happens, just remember the scene more vividly and recall it in full technicolour.  Allow the emotion to flow through you.  Then step into the scene.  Experience it again fully with all your senses.

Rather than waiting until you need to use it, you should take some time now (or when you next have a few minutes by yourself) and go through this exercise.  Take some time to find some of the best examples.  Relive them as described above.  Do this several times for each of those incidents over the next few days.  Keep doing it until you can recall each incident and feel the emotions strongly without too much effort.

Once you have two or three (or even more), the final step is to "anchor" them.  This simply means associating each with a physical action.  Many NLP practitioners will teach you to do this with a completely random action.  For example, tap your right hand with the middle finger of your left hand.  Keep repeating the incident in your mind, and each time the really powerful positive emotion flows through you, tap your hand in this way.  If you do this enough times, you should then find that if you tap your hand in this way it automatically brings back that positive emotion.  Keep practising this anchoring until that is the case.

I suggest, though, that you anchor the best example with the right body posture associated with that emotion.  For example, if you are trying to anchor your best example of being happy, then anchor it with a smile.  As above, keep going back to that incident that caused you such happiness, and each time the happiness flows through you anchor it with a smile.

Do this and you will have some very powerful tools to create the right state changes no matter what is happening around you.

If you would like some outside help with creating the right state changes, try this site:

https://www.betterhelp.com/

Moods and State Changes

Physical State Changes

I want you to try a little experiment for me.

Sit down on a chair or the sofa.  No, in fact don't sit - slump untidily there!  Breath shallowly.  If you were smiling, stop doing so.  Frown.  Sit that way for several minutes.  Now think about how you are feeling.  What kind of a mood do you have.  Are you happy, sad, or indifferent?  Do you feel lively and energetic, or are you lethargic and in a "couldn't care less" kind of mood?

I am pretty certain you will have answered at least "indifferent", if not "sad".  And it is very unlikely you answered that you felt "lively and energetic" - if you did, then you are a very unusual kind of person!

Now stand up.  Straighten your back.  Feel tall.  Smile.  Take a deep breath, hold it, then fully exhale.  Do that again.  And again.  Now how do you feel?  Do you feel any different from a few moments ago when you were slumped on a chair or your sofa?  I am pretty certain you now feel quite different.  You should feel happier and more energetic.

Finally, go one step further.  This time I want you to start jumping up and down.  Keep the smile on your face as you jump.  Stretch your arms right up as you jump, bringing them down again as you land.  Keep jumping like this for a while.  Now analyze how you feel.  Probably happier, and certainly livelier and more energetic.

What this proves is that what you do with your body has a big influence on the way you feel.  You are in control of your moods, and one way in which you control them is through your body.  If you want to feel happy, then sit up (or stand tall if appropriate) and smile.  If you are feeling miserable, check whether you are frowning - stop frowning and smile, and again, put your body in a position more conducive to feeling good.

Anchors

It is not just your body position and your smiling or frowning that can create moods, although you will find that by changing position and starting to smile you can always change your "state".  There are other things that trigger different moods.  Not just being happy or sad but, for example, feeling confident, feeling resourceful, feeling ready to take on a challenge, etc.  These are all different "states", and they can be triggered by what NLP professionals call "anchors".

When you are in a particular "state", your subconscious mind notes everything around you.  Smells, sights, sounds, the things you touch, etc.  It then anchors these to the state.

Once you realize this, you can design your own anchors.

It is a good idea if you make those anchors relate to the state you are trying to achieve.  For example, you might associate a comforting hand on your shoulder with confidence.  

In order to associate the anchor properly, find a memory where you were really fully in that state.  In this example, a time when you were feeling really confident about something.  Try to find the best example of this that you can.  It is really worth spending a long time doing this if it gets you the right memory.  When you recall this time and are right in that "zone", immediately feel that comforting hand on your shoulder.  If the memory fades, then imagine that hand being removed from your shoulder.  But if possible, maintain that memory for several minutes, and keep feeling the hand there all that time.  Now open your eyes, feeling that the hand has now left.  Repeat this several times, trying to make the memory more vivid each time.  For now, that is enough.  But later in the day, use the anchor (in this case, feel the hand on your shoulder) and check that the confident state arises.  At first it may not be a strong feeling for you, although many people do indeed get an immediate very strong change of state.  Don't worry if it is not that strong - just repeat the anchoring process several times again.  Keep doing this in different periods during the day and feel the anchoring build up stronger and stronger.

The next day, visualize the anchor again.  It should bring the state change immediately.  If not, again repeat the anchoring process.  You may need to do this several times for several days running, but eventually it will be fully and permanently anchored.

In this example I have referred to only one state - feeling confident - and one anchor - a hand on your shoulder.  You can, and should, use this process to create as many positive states as possible, using a different anchor for each.  You will find this is a long process, on which can build more and more positive state changes over the next few months and years.  A long process, but a very worthwhile one!

Summary

Use both these techniques to change your state, and you will find you have a much better control over your moods and can get into the right state so much easier.  This will create enormous positive changes in your life.