Laugh

Recently I saw a dance performance by a 3-year-old boy on "China's Got Talent".  When asked why he danced he said he did it because it made people laugh, and that people who laugh are happy.  So he wanted to keep dancing so he could keep making people happy.

There are a number of lessons in this for all of us.  Yes, no matter our age we can learn lessons from a 3-year-old.

The first lesson is the link between laughter and happiness.  This is very important.  Of course, whatever makes us laugh can of itself give us happiness.  I was certainly happy watching that little boy, and not simply because I was laughing.  But the act of laughing or smiling itself makes us happy, even if there is nothing there that should be making us laugh.  Even forced laughter makes us happy.  It may seem false to laugh when there is nothing to laugh about, and we may initially just be forcing laughter we don't actually feel, but keep forcing that laugh and you will find  it creates a significant mood change anyway.

Just in case you don't believe me, I want you to try an experiment.  Start laughing right now.  It doesn't matter that nothing funny is happening.  Laugh anyway.  Don't say "I can't laugh unless there is something funny".  Just open your mouth and make the sound.  Don't worry that it doesn't sound quite right, just keep doing it.  Soon you will find it turns into natural laughter - even if that is only because you are laughing at your silly attempts to laugh!  Now that you have done that, how do you feel?  Miserable?  I think not!  You will find you feel happier than you felt before.  This works particularly well when you are miserable, as there is a very clear contrast.

This is a very important lesson.  If you want to change your mood, simply change it by doing whatever is associated with the mood you want.  That association will attract the mood.  Most people think they only laugh because they are amused, but what they don't realize is that it also works the other way around.  They can become amused simply by laughing.

Laughing is very infectious.  In her poem "Solitude", Ella Wheeler Wilcox said "Laugh, and the world laughs with you", and how true this is!  The little Chinese boy understood that if he could get some people to laugh they would be happy, and also that this happiness would spread as more and more people laughed.

This means it is really very easy to create happiness in the world, to make people around you happier than they were.  Laugh.  And do things to make others laugh.  That little boy knew this, and at only three years old he was putting this in practice.

I like to laugh and smile whenever I can, and to help those around me laugh and smile too.  I know this is the way to make this world a better place.  Every day I make at least one person happier by laughing or smiling is a day well worth living, a day when I have added something good to this world.  And it is so easy to do.  So much easier than all the wonderful ideas so many people have about making the world a better place; ideas that may be great ideas but that are very difficult to realize, consistently, day after day.  Just laugh and smile!

And to me that is perhaps the biggest lesson this lovely Chinese boy has imparted to us.  That it is our role in life to make people happy.  Be happy yourself and help to make those around you happier.  Do this, and you will know that each day you really are making the world a better place, that the world really is a better place simply because you are there doing what you do.  Wouldn't that be a lovely epitaph to have when you eventually passed away?  "He made the world a better place!"  "She made the world a better place!"  Well, this really can be your epitaph.  You don't have to do anything spectacular to earn this epitaph.  Simply make sure that each day you do what you can to make those around you happier.  Do this by trying to laugh and smile as much as you can.

I shall end this little lesson by quoting the entire poem "Solitude".  Read it and take it to heart:

   Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

   Weep, and you weep alone;

   For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

   But has trouble enough of its own.

   Sing, and the hills will answer;

   Sigh, it is lost on the air;

   The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

   But shrink from voicing care.

   Rejoice, and men will seek you;

   Grieve, and they turn and go;

   They want full measure of all your pleasure,

   But they do not need your woe.

   Be glad, and your friends are many;

   Be sad, and you lose them all,—

   There are none to decline your nectared wine,

   But alone you must drink life’s gall.

   Feast, and your halls are crowded;

   Fast, and the world goes by.

   Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

   But no man can help you die.

   There is room in the halls of pleasure

   For a large and lordly train,

   But one by one we must all file on

   Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Choose Happiness!

How happy do you want to be?  Very happy?  Moderately happy?  Or maybe miserable?

Yes, that's it, isn't it?  Miserable.  You want to be miserable don't you!

No?  Are you sure?  You don't want to be miserable?

In that case, why do you sometimes choose to be miserable?

Yes, that is what I said - you choose to be miserable.

We each choose how we want to feel all the time.  If you are happy, it is because you have chosen to be happy.  If you are miserable, it is because you have chosen to be miserable.

At this point I expect many of my readers are ready to disagree, to argue with me.  "I do not choose to be miserable!"  they say.  "I am only miserable because of ..." and you can fill that gap with many different things.  "... what has happened to me", "... the situation I am in", "... what so-and-so said to me", "... what so-and-so did to me", "... the terrible time I am having", etc, etc.

I don't want to brush aside whatever may sometimes cause your unhappiness, or what may even be causing you unhappiness right now.  Well, actually, I DO want to brush it aside, or rather want YOU to brush it aside, but I don't want you to believe that I am underestimating its importance and its power.  Yes, I know it has power.  A lot of power.  And maybe you have thought that there is no way past it and that you are destined to be unhappy more often than you are happy.  But I want you to recognize first that, no matter how powerful it is, no matter how dark it seems, it can only exert that power against you if you allow it to do so.  Your emotions are yours, and you have both the power and the right to change them.  If you don't want to be miserable, choose not to be miserable.  If you want to be happy, choose to be happy.

Have you heard of Nick Vujicic, the founder of "Attitude is Altitude"?  "Attitude is Altitude" believes that whatever our circumstances we each have the power to be successful.  If you have not come across Nick Vujicic before, then perhaps you are thinking "it is all very well for him!  He doesn't have to face what I face!"  True - Nick doesn't have to face what you face; only you have to face that.  What Nick has to face is having been born without arms or legs.  Not even being able to pick up a toothbrush to brush his teeth.  Is Nick miserable?  No!  He is happy!  If you have ever watched him speak you will have seen him filled with joy, totally inspired, and radiating that inspiration to all around him.  Despite his disabilities, Nick decided he wanted to swim, surf, and skydive, so that is what he did.  He decided he wanted to speak in front of thousands, inspiring them to achieve whatever they want to achieve, and that is what he does.  If you believe that circumstances, the situation you are in, is what causes you to be unhappy, then Nick should be very unhappy.  But he isn't.  Nick is happier than most people who are in good health and have all four of their limbs.

I am not saying it is easy to suddenly decide to be happy rather than be miserable.  Like all good things in life it requires practice.  But believe me when I say that practice is absolutely worth it.  Giving you the ability to be happy no matter what!

The first step to achieving this is to recognize where happiness and unhappiness come from.  They don't come from circumstances.  They don't come from your surroundings.  They don't even come from the people around you - although if you are surrounded by happy people it is much easier to allow that happiness to well up from within you too, and if you surround yourself with unhappy people it is very easy to forget to choose to be happy yourself.  So by all means do whatever you can to be surrounded by happy, positive people.  Do whatever you can to change your circumstances if they are not conducive to happiness.  But even as you do so, remember that ultimately the happiness you want has to come from within you.

Here is some advice from a person who has been dubbed "the world's happiest man" - Matthieu Ricard.

1  Stop thinking "me, me, me" all the time.  Not for ethical reasons, although I do believe it is far more ethical to think of others rather than yourself.  But the reason it is difficult to be happy if you just focus on yourself is because you will quickly see all the things that are wrong, that need to be changed.  You will tend to see what you don't have rather than what you do have.  And you will exhaust yourself trying all the time to find ways to change things.  I am not saying don't try to change things - it is always good to have targets you want to reach, things you want to achieve.  But don't spend all your time thinking "me".  Instead, think about others and how you can help them.  This has a double benefit.  Firstly, it stops you thinking "me, me, me", which is, as I have said, one of the easiest ways to make yourself unhappy.  Secondly, you will find as you help those around you so they will want to help you.  This should not be the motivation for helping them, but it will certainly over time change the circumstances you are in for the better.

2  Start training your mind to be happy.  Begin by setting aside just 15 minutes a day thinking happy thoughts.  Normally when you have happy thoughts they are ephemeral.  One minute they are here, and then suddenly they are replaced by unhappy thoughts.  In that 15 minute training period, focus on those happy thoughts and don't let them just melt away.  Other, less positive and less happy, thoughts will try to intrude, but brush them aside when they appear and switch your attention back to those happy thoughts.  If you meditate you will recognize that what I am suggesting here is a form of meditation.  But not "normal" meditation, which perhaps will just focus on your breathing or the light of a candle.  There is nothing wrong with "normal" meditation, and in fact I strongly encourage you to practise it (and using breath or the light of a candle is a very good way to do so).  But for this specific "happiness" exercise, focus on a happy thought.  Do this every single day, and in only two or three weeks you will feel so completely different.

Finally, remember to be grateful for all that you have.  No matter what your circumstances I can guarantee there is something to be grateful for.  Find that "something" and express your gratitude.  It may be something very small.  That doesn't matter.  In fact, it is good if it is small.  Learn to feel grateful for the small things, and the bigger, more obvious things will make you even more grateful.  And gratitude and happiness go hand in hand.

Recognize from now on that you have the right to be happy, that you can choose to exercise that right.

Decide to be happy from today!

Play is Important

How much time do you spend playing?  Really playing, not just going through the motions.  Not in a passive mode, such as watching television or going to the movies, but active, participatory play.  Probably not as much as you should.

Do you feel guilty when you do manage to find some time for play?  Unless you are rather unusual I suspect you do have some guilt feelings, even if they are hidden below the surface.  There are so many things you know you should be doing, so why are you wasting time playing instead of getting them done?  Is that a familiar question?  Even if you don't ask that question of yourself, probably someone close to you does - your partner, a parent, etc.

Most children play a lot, of course.  Why do they play?  You could answer "because they enjoy playing", which is true.  But why do they enjoy playing?  Because evolution has set them up to enjoy it.  Play has an important purpose.  It is a key element in their learning curve.  Learning not only about things in the outside world, not only about relationships and ways to nurture them, both of which are very important, but also about their own capabilities and how to stretch and grow those capabilities.  Learning how to improve their problem-solving abilities.  Learning to expand their imagination and creativity.

Think about this for a moment.  Why should you decide there is nothing more for you to learn?  Why decide that you are so perfect at creating and nurturing relationships that you don't need to learn how to do so even more powerfully and effectively?  Can you really say that you have fully explored all your own latent skills and abilities and have developed them to the point where there is nothing you can do to improve them?  Are you as creative and imaginative as you could ever be?  Unless you can really say all this, you still have the need to play!

Even if you ignore all those practical benefits of play, it has other important functions too - one of which is to give us laughter and happiness.  Do you laugh as much as you could and should?  Are you as happy as you could be?  Assuming you laugh a lot and are happy most of the time, is there a good reason you should not laugh even more and be even happier?  I cannot think of one good reason not to laugh and be happy, but know of plenty of reasons to laugh more and be happier.  One reason is that being happy and laughing is a state I enjoy far more than any alternative state.  If I have a choice between an enjoyable state and on that is less enjoyable, why would I choose the less enjoyable one?  Another reason is that people who laugh and are happy have far less stress in their lives.  As a result, they typically live longer.  A double benefit - you can have a longer life, less stress, and be happier in all that additional time the happiness and laughter has bought you.

Now that (if I have done my job properly) you recognize the value of play, you can use this to squash that little voice inside that tries to tell you that you are wasting time, being silly, reverting to childhood, or anything else it can say to make you feel guilty and stop playing or stop enjoying the play.

Decide now that you are going to spend more time playing.  Where will you find the time to do this?  Take a look at all the things you do each day that are not essential but also are not play.  I am sure you will find plenty.  Simply use some of that time to play instead, and start creating a more fulfilled, happier life more filled with laughter and enjoyment.

How to Improve Your Wellbeing

In my last blog article I pointed out that feeling alive and full of energy comes from within, not from something outside you.  I hope you read that and took note.

Some readers wanted me to go a bit deeper.  To give some ideas you can take on board to start generating that energy and wellbeing.

There are three aspects of overall wellbeing:

1 How you feel on a daily basis

2 How satisfied you are with the quality of your life

3 How worthwhile you feel your life is

Even small improvements in each of those three areas will combine to give you a very noticeable improvement in your wellbeing.

Feeling Better on a Daily Basis

One way to make yourself feel better on a daily basis is to invest some time every day in physical exercise.

Hard physical exercise releases endorphins, which you can think of as "feel good" hormones.  The word "endorphin" come from the contraction of "endogenous morphine", or "internally created morphine".  So you could think of vigorous exercise as creating a happiness drug.  A drug which is legal and which doesn't get you hooked.

Exercise also creates a protein called "brain-derived neurotrophic factor", which by itself creates a feeling of happiness and wellbeing.  This protein also reduces anxiety and depression, and increases mental abilities.

Daily exercise is therefore a key factor in improving your wellbeing, both directly and indirectly, both in the short term and the long term.

You could join a gym and do daily exercise there, or even better find a physical activity you really enjoy and spend some time regularly practising that activity.  Maybe you will enjoy running, cycling, swimming, or even dancing.  Ideally a combination of these, as the kind of exercise in each activity is a little different and will benefit you in different ways.

Another obvious way to feel better on a daily basis is to avoid stress as much as possible.  Stress tends to be caused when you are put in a situation where you are unable to achieve whatever it is you are expected to achieve.  By all means set yourself ambitious targets, but don't allow anyone to put you in a position where you simply cannot achieve what is expected.

Finally, make sure you regularly reward yourself.  This is dual purpose.  By rewarding yourself for achieving something, you will reinforce your ability to achieve it.  For example, you should reward yourself for exercising.  But also, the reward itself should give you pleasure, and that regular extra pleasure of itself increases your wellbeing.

The Quality of Your Life

There are two clear ways to increase your wellbeing by increasing how satisfied you are with the quality of your life.

One way, obviously, is to keep improving that quality.  Conduct a full audit of your lifestyle.  If you do this properly you will find lots of areas where you can make small changes that will make quite big improvements in the quality of your life.  Make those changes one by one and feel your wellbeing and happiness improve as you do so.  Look, too, for the much greater changes that can be made.  Don't try to make those changes all at once, but identify longer term targets for improvement, and try to ensure the small steps you take each day, week, month and year move you towards the greater changes you desire rather than further away from them.

Another way is to lower the threshold of satisfaction.  Congratulate yourself and feel happy with even the very small improvements you make.  I don't mean you should not strive for big improvements.  Of course you should want to make those big improvements.  But learn to feel a sense of achievement for even very small improvements that others may not even notice.

A Worthwhile Life

Make sure you have chosen a really worthwhile purpose for your life.  In fact, not just one purpose, but many.  Find ways you can contribute to the wellbeing of the people around you - your family and your local community.  It may be that you will become more involved in volunteering and in charitable work.  The more you are involved in such activities the more worthwhile your life will appear to you.

But also you should find a target to which you can aim in your life which of itself is something that feels extremely worthwhile to you.  This could be something very ambitious that you may never reach, but that simply moving towards it is worthwhile.  Note down that end objective, then think about the different steps you could take to move towards it.  Then break those steps down into smaller steps.  Keep breaking the steps down so that you end up with steps that you can very easily achieve.  Then, as you make each step, congratulate yourself for getting closer to that great end target.  Reward yourself for getting closer (remember the importance of rewarding yourself)!

Summary

Turning your life into one filled with energy, happiness and wellbeing is not difficult.  Take small steps, working on feeling better on a daily basis, increasing your satisfaction with the quality of your life, and turning your journey through life into a more worthwhile journey.  Do this, and I can guarantee you will be have a very much happier and more fulfilled life - happier and more fulfilled than you probably ever dreamed possible!

PS

If you are suffering from stress you really need to seek professional help rather than just assuming it will go away.  Otherwise it may seem to go away but instead be hiding under the surface ready to explode when you least expect it.  Take a look at this site for further help and advice:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/stress/

Moods and State Changes

Physical State Changes

I want you to try a little experiment for me.

Sit down on a chair or the sofa.  No, in fact don't sit - slump untidily there!  Breath shallowly.  If you were smiling, stop doing so.  Frown.  Sit that way for several minutes.  Now think about how you are feeling.  What kind of a mood do you have.  Are you happy, sad, or indifferent?  Do you feel lively and energetic, or are you lethargic and in a "couldn't care less" kind of mood?

I am pretty certain you will have answered at least "indifferent", if not "sad".  And it is very unlikely you answered that you felt "lively and energetic" - if you did, then you are a very unusual kind of person!

Now stand up.  Straighten your back.  Feel tall.  Smile.  Take a deep breath, hold it, then fully exhale.  Do that again.  And again.  Now how do you feel?  Do you feel any different from a few moments ago when you were slumped on a chair or your sofa?  I am pretty certain you now feel quite different.  You should feel happier and more energetic.

Finally, go one step further.  This time I want you to start jumping up and down.  Keep the smile on your face as you jump.  Stretch your arms right up as you jump, bringing them down again as you land.  Keep jumping like this for a while.  Now analyze how you feel.  Probably happier, and certainly livelier and more energetic.

What this proves is that what you do with your body has a big influence on the way you feel.  You are in control of your moods, and one way in which you control them is through your body.  If you want to feel happy, then sit up (or stand tall if appropriate) and smile.  If you are feeling miserable, check whether you are frowning - stop frowning and smile, and again, put your body in a position more conducive to feeling good.

Anchors

It is not just your body position and your smiling or frowning that can create moods, although you will find that by changing position and starting to smile you can always change your "state".  There are other things that trigger different moods.  Not just being happy or sad but, for example, feeling confident, feeling resourceful, feeling ready to take on a challenge, etc.  These are all different "states", and they can be triggered by what NLP professionals call "anchors".

When you are in a particular "state", your subconscious mind notes everything around you.  Smells, sights, sounds, the things you touch, etc.  It then anchors these to the state.

Once you realize this, you can design your own anchors.

It is a good idea if you make those anchors relate to the state you are trying to achieve.  For example, you might associate a comforting hand on your shoulder with confidence.  

In order to associate the anchor properly, find a memory where you were really fully in that state.  In this example, a time when you were feeling really confident about something.  Try to find the best example of this that you can.  It is really worth spending a long time doing this if it gets you the right memory.  When you recall this time and are right in that "zone", immediately feel that comforting hand on your shoulder.  If the memory fades, then imagine that hand being removed from your shoulder.  But if possible, maintain that memory for several minutes, and keep feeling the hand there all that time.  Now open your eyes, feeling that the hand has now left.  Repeat this several times, trying to make the memory more vivid each time.  For now, that is enough.  But later in the day, use the anchor (in this case, feel the hand on your shoulder) and check that the confident state arises.  At first it may not be a strong feeling for you, although many people do indeed get an immediate very strong change of state.  Don't worry if it is not that strong - just repeat the anchoring process several times again.  Keep doing this in different periods during the day and feel the anchoring build up stronger and stronger.

The next day, visualize the anchor again.  It should bring the state change immediately.  If not, again repeat the anchoring process.  You may need to do this several times for several days running, but eventually it will be fully and permanently anchored.

In this example I have referred to only one state - feeling confident - and one anchor - a hand on your shoulder.  You can, and should, use this process to create as many positive states as possible, using a different anchor for each.  You will find this is a long process, on which can build more and more positive state changes over the next few months and years.  A long process, but a very worthwhile one!

Summary

Use both these techniques to change your state, and you will find you have a much better control over your moods and can get into the right state so much easier.  This will create enormous positive changes in your life.

Telling Stories

If I really want to get a point across to someone, usually I will try to find a way to do so without "attacking" them head on.  Why?  Because it is human nature to argue!  So if, for example, I hold up a pen and say to you "this is the best pen in the world!" your conscious mind will probably start from the premise that it is not the best pen in the world and will then look for all the negative reasons that prove this.  It would be an unusual person who accepted the statement at face value and then looked for the positive reasons to justify this stand.

One of the best ways of doing this is by telling a story.  2,000 years ago in Palestine there was a story teller who really understood this principle and used it to best advantage.  Most Christians will recognize, for example, the story of the Good Samaritan.  This story encapsulates some powerful moral principles.  It is much easier for the listener to absorb those principles by listening to the story than it is by hearing someone lecture them on the need to help those around us no matter how different they may be from us.  In fact, you could argue that a large percentage of the Bible consists of stories that convey moral, ethical and spiritual messages.  Those messages usually pass under the radar of our conscious mind, which might otherwise try to argue, and instead lodge directly in our subconscious, instilling in us the uplifting traits they illustrate.

This is true not just of Christianity, but of most religions.  The concept goes back far more than 2,000 years.  From the time humans gathered together for mutual benefit there have always been story tellers, and they are usually held in high regard.  In the best examples the stories they tell, again, pass on spiritual truths to their listeners, but in a non-confrontational and unpatronizing way.

Parents of young children will probably agree that they tell stories on a daily basis to their children, and it is very likely they choose at least some of those stories to illustrate some important lessons.  Perhaps, for example, the fables of Aesop.

You can use this method to change the negative aspects of someone's behaviour if you do it carefully.  This is especially the case when they are doing something wrong without having thought through the consequences or without really meaning to do so.  A very wise work colleague taught me this technique.  He said when that happens, tell a story to that person about someone having done whatever that wrong thing might be and the consequences that resulted.  Add into it how different things would have been if only they had behaved in a different way.  Tell it as if it were a tale of something that actually happened to you or to someone you know.  When this is done carefully, the person you are talking with will not realize what is happening.  They will not consciously know they are the "hero" of the story.  Their defences will therefore not be up and they will listen properly and often agree with you about how bad this was and how the person concerned should have acted differently.  But although consciously they do not know what is happening, and therefore do not resist, subconsciously they get the message.  Very often you will find that just this one little story will do a lot of good in changing the person's behaviour.

Just as you can use the story telling method to change someone else, so you can use it to change yourself.  It is an extremely powerful technique.  Gather together some of the world's best literature and see if you can find some stories which have underlying strong moral, ethical and spiritual messages.  Obviously a good place to start is with the religious writings of your own religion - or perhaps of a number of religions if, like me, you have an open mind on religion.  You don't have to be a member of a particular religion, or even of any religion, to benefit from its stories in this way.  Concentrate particularly on the writings that contain stories.  A Hindu example is the Ramayana - the Tamil version written in English by R K Narayan which is a wonderful introduction to this epic.  As a Sufi example, try some of the marvellous works of Sayed Idries Shah - for example "Tales of the Dervishes", or "The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin".  The Midrash and the Talmud are full of enlightening stories, as, of course, is the Bible.

Once you get into the habit of looking for inspiring literature in this way you will find it can really change your life.  Not only spiritually, but also in all other aspects of your life, including even financially.  Check out some of the fairy tales and other folk stories that abound - but take care, as not all are intended to convey teachings you may wish to imbibe!

One very good example of this is a rather quirky adult fairy tale by Charlotte Pingriff, called "Mr Happy".  Read this and you will find the message of living a happier life will pass underneath the mental barriers all adults put up, and your life will change in subtle but important ways.  If you want to be happier, I strongly suggest you give this one a try, testing out what I have said here at the same time as creating a happier life for yourself.

PS, the above links are US sources.  If you prefer UK sources, here are some more links for you:

• Aesop's Fables
• Ramayana - the Tamil version written in English by R K Narayan
• Tales of the Dervishes
• The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin
• Talmud
• Bible (NIV)
• Mr Happy

Every day is a special occasion!

The daily grind, groundhog day, same old same old, same s*@t different day......whatever your favourite expression, there’s no denying that life can get, well, a touch monotonous. 

Most of us have a daily routine, we are creatures of habit, but this can lead to feeling like you are trudging round on a treadmill, forgetting to be happy. There is no doubt that happiness is one elusive scoundrel. Most of us think ‘Ah, I will be happy if.....’ or ‘If only x,y,z would fall into place I would be happy’.

We feel that there are huge obstacles in the way of happiness, like big hairy monsters guarding some mythical gate to which we cannot find the key. But, quite often, it‘s little things that enrich our daily lives. Small pleasures that add sparkle to our day and help us to feel happy NOW, not in some magical future, or dim, distant, rose-tinted past.

I’m going to let you in on a piece of advice I read, many moons ago, that had a huge impact on me.  It’s helped me feel happier, and has made life that little bit more lovely! So what is this elixir of happiness? It’s simple - every day should be treated as a special occasion.  

The notion of using little luxuries – whether big or small, expensive or less so - to make yourself feel good each day, and not just saving them for some elusive special occasion, sounds simple, or even obvious, but it’s something that not many people practice. And it's strangely freeing.

Open that bottle of champagne you’ve been saving and have it with your fish and chips on Friday night! Use your favourite perfume every day, not just on nights out. This concept gives you permission to be frivolous and can make a big difference to your levels of contentment. Life should be enjoyed and any little pleasure that helps you feel good should be grabbed with both hands, and not ‘saved for another time’.

We’ve all bought something amazing, put it on a shelf like some precious artefact, and just admired it whilst thinking I’ll use that only on special occasions. This is a daft attitude, frankly. A belief which says that only on high days and holidays can we possibly give ourselves the best in life. Only on those days are we allowed to treat ourselves really well. In actual fact, we should treat ourselves well all the time! 

Sure there will be days when plain and simple is just fine, thanks very much. Similarly there will be things that you do, for a special occasion, to set that day apart in some way.  But don’t forget that any day can be wonderful! A stressful day can be soothed by having a deep bath with your favourite bath oil; dinner with your partner can be made more lovely by setting the table nicely, and using your best glasses; your confidence can be given a boost by using your posh toiletries in the morning, rather than your usual day to day stuff. 

It’s about shaking up your daily routine and allowing yourself little pleasures, and not feeling that there has to be some reason to warrant treating yourself. Just the fact that you are living another day on this mad, funny, eclectic, wonderful planet, is reason enough.  And please don’t feel it is selfish or self-indulgent. As the wonderful Gretchen Rubin points out in her brilliant book ‘The Happiness Project’ – which I thoroughly recommend – the best way to make those around you happy, is to be happy yourself. Plus treating yourself as though you are ‘worth it’ will make you feel better about yourself.

So, you see, by not treating yourself well, you are actually being more selfish. And when you put it like that, it’s a win-win! You have a duty of care to yourself and being your own best mate benefits those around you too! So celebrate YOU today and throw a few little luxuries into your day. You’ll be glad you did!

******************

About the Author

Charlotte Pingriff is an Artist, Body Caster and Writer. She runs the quirkily creative Perfectly Cast – a lovely arty haven of happiness, positive body image and down to earth cheer. Perfectly Cast is currently in a period of transition and re-launches at the end of September with a brand new look and a whole lot more wonderfulness for all. Take a sneak peek at www.perfectlycast.co.uk and follow Charlotte on Facebook and Twitter for all the news, and to witness the chrysalis becoming the butterfly! 

Cultivating Happiness

"Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars."  Frederick Langbridge

When you get up in the morning, do you feel full of joy and energy, ready to face whatever the Universe throws at you?  Are you a "Good morning God!" or a "Good God, morning!" kind of person?  Do you look up at the stars or down at the mud?

I have met many people who seem to have everything anyone could wish for and yet they are miserable.  And I have met plenty more of very humble means who are joyful and full of passion.  How can this be so?

Happiness in this life is not down to what you own.  It is not down to the friends and family you have around you.  Not that I am suggesting for one minute that we should not strive to better ourselves.  If you have read much of my blog you know I feel quite the opposite.  And I am certainly not suggesting we should not try to surround ourselves with good people, with people who bring out the best in us.  Of course we should!  But what I am saying is that the most important thing is how you feel inside.  It is not the circumstances themselves that make you happy, it is how you react to them.

Please read the above paragraph again.  It may be one of the most important lessons you will ever learn!  If you want to be happy, then be!  And who does not want to be happy?

Begin addressing this first.  Before you try to do anything about gaining wealth and possessions.  Before you try to do anything about changing your relationships.  Before you try to do anything about changing your circumstances.  Because once you have learned this secret you are better placed for a happy life than almost everyone around you, no matter what their own circumstances.

When you try to do this I can guarantee something inside you will object strongly.  The something inside you that has had you in its power all these years and can now see that power slipping away.  It will tell you that you cannot be happy until ........  The gap is there because what that voice will say will differ from individual to individual, but the beginning of the sentence will always be the same.  "You cannot be happy until ...."  Actually, it will almost certainly come out as "I cannot be happy until ....", because that voice wants you to think it is you - but it is not!  Don't listen to it!  All it knows is lies, but clever, apparently very logical lies.

When you first begin you will probably find it hard to make much progress.  Don't be disheartened!  This is normal.  If it were that easy, then everyone would be happy all the time.  But also don't feel it is too difficult.  It is not.  You have the power within you to do this.  You can feel that happiness spreading from the inside, seemingly oblivious to what is happening on the outside.

Cultivating this permanent state of happiness is a bit like trying to meditate.  When you first try, it seems impossible.  Maybe you get a fleeting moment, and then suddenly a horde of negative thoughts and feelings appears.  Meditation masters tell us not to get irritated when stray thoughts appear.  If you focus on them in an attempt to get rid of them, they have won.  Just accept that they are there and continue cultivating your still mind - and eventually, after many repeated practice sessions, you will find they start to drop away.  Only to attempt to distract you again maybe many sessions later just when you think you have it cracked!  This will happen, too, with your practice in cultivating happiness, and the remedy is similar - just ignore these attacks and gradually they will fade.  Then, later, circumstances will conspire to make you unhappy again, and you will need to focus on cultivating that inner joy.

Don't just take my word for it.  There is a definite scientific basis for what I am proposing here.  Take a look at the following TED talk by Dan Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard University.  I actually wrote this article before I watched Dan Gilbert's lecture, and have added this paragraph later.  But it is clear from what Dan says that my experience is not something unusual, not some wacky idea that only applies to a fortunate few.  Long term, external circumstances cannot bring us happiness or unhappiness.  Happiness is something we have to create for ourselves.  Here is the link to the TED talk:

"The surprising science of happiness"

Once you have begun this process you can then address the other issues.  You can make sure your life is properly aligned with your inner passion, which I can guarantee will make it a lot easier for you to maintain this new state of permanent happiness.  But more of this another time!

If You're Happy and You Know It

Did you sing the song "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" as a child?  I know I did.  Well if I were to follow the words of that song I would be clapping non-stop.  And I would have been for at least the past couple of months.

Or have you seen the app that displays on Facebook your percentage happiness?  I see it coming up all the time for one of my friends showing numbers well below 100%.  I don't have the app myself, and I have no idea whether it has any basis in reality or is just a gimmick, but if it works and if I had it installed on my mobile I would be displaying 100% every day.

On the basis that madness is defined by deviation from normal I guess I should have been put in an asylum months ago.  I am quite sure it cannot be regarded as "normal" to be happy all day every day.  Fortunately the men in white coats haven't spotted me yet!

But why am I happy?  Not ecstatically happy, which would be rather exhausting after a while, but pleasantly happy.  Comfortably happy.  All the time.  Where does this happiness come from?

Perhaps you feel it is because I am wealthy.  Well I am not.  Depending on how you define wealth of course.  I have enough to get by.  Not as much as I would like.  Not enough to allow me to do all the things I would like to do by a long stretch.  I am working on that, but how I am doing it should be the subject of a different blog.  Wealth is relative anyway.  To someone living on the street and who doesn't have enough to feed their children, let alone themselves, a person who has a house, a job, and food in the fridge is wealthy.  By that definition I am wealthy.  But to someone who has a 10 bedroom house, a holiday home on a nice white beach that is warm all year round, and the money and time to flit between the two whenever he likes I am definitely not wealthy.  Again, I am working on it, but that is certainly not me right now.

Maybe you feel it is because I am in perfect health.  Well I am not.  I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago.  I have been treated very successfully for it, but once you have had cancer you can never really say it is gone for good.  And the treatment itself left a few side effects.  So I certainly don't have perfect health.  In fact just after I originally wrote this article I suffered a viral throat infection.  Nothing very serious, but it did leave me with a very sore throat, unable to swallow without great difficulty, fever, and lethargy.  I did not ignore the signals my body was giving me.  I visited the doctor to make sure I was doing the right things to deal with the infection, took some paracetamol to deal with the pain, and had plenty of rest.  I have almost recovered now.  I was not pleased to be ill, but I was still happy.  And now I am even happier, knowing the infection has almost gone.

So why on earth am I happy all the time?  And is this something you can copy too?

Firstly, I recognize that happiness comes from within.  It is not something you are given.  It is not something that happens to you because of what is happening around you.  Look at some wealthy people who still seem to be miserable and you will see the truth of this.  Happiness comes from your frame of mind, nowhere else.  As long as you are looking for happiness to come from outside it will always be elusive.

Secondly, I am very grateful for what I have.  It may not be much to a lot of people, but when I look around me and see what some people have to suffer I know I can be very thankful.  Think about your own situation for a few minutes.  I challenge you to tell me that there is absolutely nothing for which you can be thankful.   The mere fact that you have the resources to be able to read this blog means you are in a better position than many people in this world.  Even the mere fact that you are alive! When you practice thankfulness you will soon find it makes you happy too.

Finally, I took a coaching course from a good, reputable company called "Frame of Mind Coaching".  They didn't show me anything radically new, but that is not really surprising.  In fact I guess I would have been worried if they had.  What they got me to focus on were things I already knew, but which perhaps I had forgotten to ensure remained fully grounded in my life.  I am quite sure my permanent change in state is very much down to the way they got me to dig deep into myself and get properly grounded again.  To me, this was what coaching should be all about and it certainly got impressive results.  If you would like to try them out, be my guest.  You can even get some free, no obligation coaching from them so you can see whether or not what they do is right for you.

Here is the link to get those free coaching sessions:

http://journal.frameofmindcoaching.com/assessment/482

The Right to be Rich

For those who do not know, Wallace D Wattle's book, "The Science of Getting Rich" was written in 1910, and is believed to have inspired Napoleon Hill to write "Think and Grow Rich".  It was also the original inspiration for the book and film "The Secret".

I strongly believe that one of the biggest stumbling blocks most of us have when trying to become wealthier is a subconscious belief that we do not deserve wealth, or even a feeling of guilt about wanting to be rich.  Wattles addressed this issue in the first chapter of his book, so here is Chapter 1: The Right To Be Rich

"Whatever may be said in praise of poverty, the fact remains that it is not possible to live a really complete or successful life unless one is rich. No one can rise to his greatest possible height in talent or soul development unless he has plenty of money, for to unfold the soul and to develop talent he must have many things to use, and he cannot have these things unless he has money to buy them with.

A person develops in mind, soul, and body by making use of things, and society is so organized that we must have money in order to become the possessors of things. Therefore, the basis of all advancement must be the science of getting rich.

The object of all life is development, and everything that lives has an inalienable right to all the development it is capable of attaining.

A person's right to life means his right to have the free and unrestricted use of all the things which may be necessary to his fullest mental, spiritual, and physical unfoldment; or, in other words, his right to be rich.

In this book, I shall not speak of riches in a figurative way. To be really rich does not mean to be satisfied or contented with a little. No one ought to be satisfied with a little if he is capable of using and enjoying more. The purpose of nature is the advancement and unfoldment of life, and everyone should have all that can contribute to the power, elegance, beauty, and richness of life. To be content with less is sinful.

The person who owns all he wants for the living of all the life he is capable of living is rich, and no person who has not plenty of money can have all he wants. Life has advanced so far and become so complex that even the most ordinary man or woman requires a great amount of wealth in order to live in a manner that even approaches completeness. Every person naturally wants to become all that they are capable of becoming. This desire to realize innate possibilities is inherent in human nature; we cannot help wanting to be all that we can be. Success in life is becoming what you want to be. You can become what you want to be only by making use of things, and you can have the free use of things only as you become rich enough to buy them. To understand the science of getting rich is therefore the most essential of all knowledge.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to get rich. The desire for riches is really the desire for a richer, fuller, and more abundant life - and that desire is praiseworthy. The person who does not desire to live more abundantly is abnormal, and so the person who does not desire to have money enough to buy all he wants is abnormal.

There are three motives for which we live: We live for the body, we live for the mind, we live for the soul. No one of these is better or holier than the other; all are alike desirable, and no one of the three - body, mind, or soul - can live fully if either of the others is cut short of full life and expression. It is not right or noble to live only for the soul and deny mind or body, and it is wrong to live for the intellect and deny body or soul.

We are all acquainted with the loathsome consequences of living for the body and denying both mind and soul, and we see that real life means the complete expression of all that a person can give forth through body, mind, and soul. Whatever he can say, no one can be really happy or satisfied unless his body is living fully in its every function, and unless the same is true of his mind and his soul. Wherever there is unexpressed possibility or function not performed, there is unsatisfied desire. Desire is possibility seeking expression or function seeking performance.

A person cannot live fully in body without good food, comfortable clothing, and warm shelter, and without freedom from excessive toil. Rest and recreation are also necessary to his physical life.

One cannot live fully in mind without books and time to study them, without opportunity for travel and observation, or without intellectual companionship.

To live fully in mind a person must have intellectual recreations, and must surround himself with all the objects of art and beauty he is capable of using and appreciating.

To live fully in soul, a person must have love, and love is denied fullest expression by poverty.

A person's highest happiness is found in the bestowal of benefits on those he loves; love finds its most natural and spontaneous expression in giving. The individual who has nothing to give cannot fill his place as a spouse or parent, as a citizen, or as a human being. It is in the use of material things that a person finds full life for his body, develops his mind, and unfolds his soul. It is therefore of supreme importance to each individual to be rich.

It is perfectly right that you should desire to be rich. If you are a normal man or woman you cannot help doing so. It is perfectly right that you should give your best attention to the science of getting rich, for it is the noblest and most necessary of all studies. If you neglect this study, you are derelict in your duty to yourself, to God and humanity, for you can render to God and humanity no greater service than to make the most of yourself."

Achieve Your Dream

by

Graham Dragon

Do you have a dream?

Is there something you always wanted to achieve, but never really tried because you knew you couldn’t?  Perhaps because you were born the wrong side of the tracks?  Aren’t gifted enough?  Don’t have what it takes?

What is holding you back is not your circumstances.  Not the people around you.  Not lack of money or other resources.

What is holding you back is YOU!

That voice inside, telling you that you can’t do it, or it is too risky, or you will never have the resources.

So let me help you take that first step to living your dream.  Close your eyes, reach out and take my hand, and I will guide you.  Not to the climax of living your dream – that is a journey you must make by yourself.  But to the place where you can make that first step.

Are you there with me now, with eyes closed, holding my hand, trusting me to deliver what I have promised?  Good!

The first thing we are going to do is use that remote you have in your other hand (You didn’t know it was there, did you?  But it is!  Feel it right now.).  Feel for the “off” button, and push it.  Did you feel that?  The negative voice inside you saying “I can’t do it” has just been silenced.  The remote has put you right where you should be – in control.  That voice shouldn’t come back now, because you have switched it off.  If it tries, level your remote at it again and switch it off again.  You won’t need to do that many times, as it will soon get the message.  It thrives on the attention its victims give it, and it doesn’t like being turned off.  Turn it off a few times and it will go away.

Now turn the remote in the other direction and push the “on” button.  You are switching on a parallel voice.  One that says “I CAN do it”.  Hear that voice?  It is there right now, because you have switched it on.

Do this exercise as often as you need, but I suggest at least daily for the next seven days.  And certainly any time you feel any doubts about achieving that dream.  Soon you will find you can “zap” those negative thoughts instantly, without really even thinking about it.

And once you really have turned off that negative voice, the sky is the limit.  That dream really can become your reality.

Finally, take a quick look at this 2 minute clip of Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happiness”, and take to heart what he has to say to his son:

Be Happy!

How To Make Your Life Happy Fast

by

Simona Rich

There is a reason why in most religions there is some sort of a set of rules telling how to live life. It’s not so that all people would be the same, but to make their lives easier. For example, in Buddhism there are the Four Noble truths:

(There are many translations of these truths in English, here’s my best bet…)

1. Many things in life bring suffering.

2. The origin of suffering is craving which leads to more attachments.

3. It’s possible to end suffering by ending cravings.

4. You can end cravings by following this eight-fold way: right view, right intention, right action, right speech, right effort, right livelihood, right concentration and right mindfulness.

And in Christianity, there are seven virtues:

1. Prudence (the ability to discipline yourself by the use of reason — thank you Wikipedia)

2. Justice

3. Temperance (not drinking alcohol)

4. Courage

5. Faith

6. Hope

7. Love

If you don’t follow such rules, your life will be ruled by fear, guilt and regret. If you follow these rules, your life will be much happier.

Now together with these religious laws or virtues, take note of the guidelines below. Try living according to such guidelines for one or two days. When you notice an immediate difference in how you feel and a better quality of your life, you may decide to continue living this way.

Here are the guidelines:

If you are always tuned in to your common sense and refuse to do what feels bad to your inner self, your life will become happy.

If you are good to everyone no matter how they behave towards you, your life will become even happier.

If you infuse all the actions you take with love and attention, and take time to accomplish them in a perfect way, you will experience an unbelievable quality of life.

If you let the money easily flow in and out your life without congesting the flow with fear of not having enough or regretting over “lost” money, even more abundance will flow to you.

If every day you remember to thank God that you are alive and for all the good things that come into your life, God will also not forget to reward you with more goodness.

And instead of complaining if you try to understand the lessons behind every misfortune, your mood will get uplifted instead of depressed.

If you stay present more than lost in your mind, you will start being happy about even the smallest positive things in your life.

If, instead of getting angry at someone, you try to understand where they are coming from, your life will become much easier.

And if instead of letting the fear cage you in, you would allow your heart to lead you, it will show you the life full of love and adventure.

If you are an observer of life rather than an unaware participator, your life will be filled with spiritual awakenings and depth.

And even if you are an active participator of life, don’t forget to be always the observer of yourself also, and thus you will still not lose the depth of life.

If you make the most of the situations that life gives you, God will reward you with a better life after some time.

If you conserve your energy by not talking for the sake of talking, or doing something for the sake of doing it, your life will be filled with youth and beauty.

If you don’t try to gain anything at the expense of another, you will never see lack of any sort.

You can start living like that for a few days – that will be enough for you to see some results which will encourage you to continue living according to these principles. These guidelines will surely make your life easier and happier.

Book Review

Personal Development Book Review

Recently I published an article on the importance of listening to what your life is telling you and following the path that inner voice suggests.  So my book review this month focuses on three books that go into this topic a little more deeply.

Click on the title of any book that particularly interests you and you can buy it right away from Amazon.

For my UK readers, or anyone who wants to pay in pounds sterling or have the booked shipped from the UK, click on the "UK Link" right at the end of each review.

Following the Path: The Search for a Life of Passion, Purpose, and Joy

by

Sister Joan Chittister

The author of this book is a Catholic nun.  But don't let that put you off if you are not a Christian.  This book is all about finding happiness by doing what your inner voice is telling you to do, whatever that may be.  Sister Joan does not preach her religion here, and even quotes from a Sufi mystic, although she is clearly devout and certainly not ashamed of her love of God.


"While this could easily be called an informal guide to what it takes to be happy, that would be too simple a description for such a wise book. As the popular author and lecturer Chittister notes, most of us seldom have the economic or social freedom to find that something that fulfills us. 'So how can we know what we’re meant to do with our lives?' That is the core question, and Chittister spends the bulk of the book sharing stories from those folk brave enough to change course, sometimes relatively late in their lives, while offering her own insight on the meanings of happiness and purpose. She has her own definition of happiness, of course ('Happiness,' she writes, 'comes from the inside'), as well as what it means to be successful; but the essence of the book concerns itself with the fundamental concept of call, that is, of discovering where we do—and do not—fit in. Essentially, Chittister’s slim volume deals with how to lead a meaningful life at any age (whether early adulthood, middle age, or later on); 'No one else can answer for us,' she observes, since finding our own way is a unique journey. Sure to be a modern classic of its genre."

-    June Sawyers


"Sister Joan provides a framework for charting a life that is deeply lived and deeply invested. By recognizing with gratitude the opportunities that show themselves to us, we can live lives that are incredibly fulfilling and also make a great contribution to the world. But it means taking risks!"

-    James Andrews


"An excellent book to review your life and encourage you to be assured that you are following the right path, and maybe consider areas in your life to improve or completely change."

-    Pat

UK Link

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

by

Thich Nhat Hanh

"This book was written by a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk. But don't let that fool you, this book is for everyone. The author doesn't try to convert you to his religion, the only Buddhist principles in this book go hand in hand with many Christian beliefs. The author shows how easy it is to live a fulfilling life in harmony with yourself and the world around you.

Read this book if you ever feel depressed or if you feel you are getting lost in the modern age. This book will not tell you who you are, but it will help to show you how you can discover what it is you really want and find happiness.

Thich Nan Haht was even nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by none other than Martin Luther King Jr.

Highly recommended."

-    W Fleming


"Peace is not external, so we do not need to chase it. Peace is already present but we have to get in touch with it. This is attained through mindfulness: living in the present moment, in the here and now. Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen master and spiritual leader teaches mindfulness through conscious breathing and smiling. Connecting the body and mind, to find peace and happiness even in the most unlikely situations. Breathing and smiling! Is that it? You may be as skeptical as I was before practicing this exercise: breathe in, while reciting 'breathing in I calm my body' then breathe out while smiling and reciting 'breathing out I smile' do this three times! This is a very easy yet very effective exercise, do this often enough, in any position at any time (sitting, lying, driving, walking, before you eat, before you wash the dishes, when you hear the phone ring....) and enjoy being calm, relaxed and peaceful.

This book is written clearly and beautifully. Full of inspiring stories and parables, meditations and practices, reflecting the author's wisdom and experience. Terrific and extremely effective, will make you calm and happy just reading it, then breathe, smile and be peaceful!"

-    W. Rashed (Jabriya, KUWAIT)


"I love this book. It's short, easy and delightful to read, and full of practical wisdom. More so than any other Zen Master whose writings I have encountered, Thich Nhat Hanh knows how to teach Westerners in a way that is straightforward, practical for everyday problems, and fun to read (rather than an intellectual puzzle). I cannot recommend this book more highly. A wealth of wisdom presented in a unique and immensely practical way. Thich Nhat Hanh's writing embodies peace and mindfulness at their highest - one could almost learn all he has to teach simply by reading his writings for their style and attitude, without hardly paying attention to the message or content per se.

Please do yourself a favor: buy this book, read it at your leisure, reread it if you feel so compelled, keep it on a shelf or pass it on as a gift. I almost never review books, but when I finished this one I knew I had to recommend it, and I do so with no reservation whatsoever."

-    Marcus Macauley

UK Link

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

by

Brene Brown

"I deeply trust Brené Brown - her research, her intelligence, her integrity, and her personhood. So when she definitively lands on the one most important value we can cultivate for professional success, relationship health, parental joy, and courageous, passionate living...well, I sit up and take notice . . . even when that one most critical value turns out to be the risky act of being vulnerable. She dared greatly to write this book, and you will benefit greatly to read it and to put its razor-sharp wisdom into action in your own life and work."

-    Elizabeth Lesser, Cofounder, Omega Institute, author of Broken Open


"One of the tragic ironies of modern life is that so many people feel isolated from each other by the very feelings they have in common: including a fear of failure and a sense of not being enough. Brené Brown shines a bright light into these dark recesses of human emotion and reveals how these feelings can gnaw at fulfillment in education, at work and in the home. She shows too how they can be transformed to help us live more wholehearted lives of courage, engagement and purpose. Brené Brown writes as she speaks, with wisdom, wit, candor and a deep sense of humanity. If you're a student, teacher, parent, employer, employee or just alive and wanting to live more fully, you should read this book. I double dare you."

-    Sir Ken Robinson


"I am a recovering perfectionist. I have learned, since a child, to receive validation and my worth based on how others perceived me. I've always made excuses for it throughout my life, but Brene Brown slapped me in the face with this book and makes me want to be a more authentic and honest person. She gives you the understanding of how to develop your own self-worth and how important it is in order to live a beautiful life, and have beautiful relationships. She is inspiring because she struggles with the same thing, and that makes me feel understood. My favorite part of this book is how she defines so many of our emotions. This helps me understand mine and helps me walk my children through understanding their emotions. One of the greatest self-help books I've ever read!!!"

-    Holly (Brunswick, OH)

UK Link