Listen

How well do you communicate?

When I asked that question did you think about getting your message across to others?  Or did you consider whether or not you really take in the messages others are trying to get across to you?

Effective communication requires both, but especially the latter.  Most of us are too focussed on the former (but still don't get that right) and almost completely ignore the latter.

It has been said many times that there is a reason God gave us two ears but only one mouth!

The most effective communicators listen carefully to what those around them are saying.  If you DO listen carefully you may be surprised at what you sometimes hear.  Not necessarily what is said outwardly, although that too, but especially the often partially hidden inner message.

Listening to what others are saying, and the frequently different inner meaning, doesn't mean you have to agree with them.  But once you know where they are coming from it is a lot easier to know how to get across to them what YOU want them to hear and understand.  Or to realize that you might be wasting your time trying to do so with this particular person and be better off finding someone more likely to be open to what you are saying.

Listening is also important, of course, for its own sake, not simply as a means for targeting your own messages more effectively.  Everyone has needs, and some of those needs are ones you can answer.  Maybe you can answer them with very little effort or cost to yourself, but help another person achieve great things as a result.  If so, then don't be humble, don't keep thinking that you can be of little help.  Do what you can and you may be very surprised by the result.  Try to do so selflessly, but at the same time always remember that one way or another what you do comes back to you.  Help others and you will find good things ultimately come to you as a direct or indirect result.  As Qoheleth (who was probably King Solomon) said in Ecclesiastes 11: "Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days".  There are many quite different interpretations of this, but I certainly feel one meaning is that the good things you do will come back to you and help you long after you do them.

In any relationship listening is especially important.  Do not be that person who sits watching television and responds to everything his or her spouse says with comments like "yes, dear!" but actually is not really listening at all.  Have a proper conversation.  Really listen closely to what is being said, and perhaps even more to what is NOT being said!  Doing this can completely turn your relationship around, in a really good way!

This doesn't apply just in relationships of course.  From now on try to listen to and understand what people are saying and what they are not saying.

When nations insist on trumpeting their own beliefs and needs, and stop listening entirely to the beliefs and needs of other nations around them, this is often a pre-cursor to war.  We all need to listen more.  To understand the feelings and the needs of those around us.  What we do when we do reach this understanding is up to us.  Maybe it won't change the way we feel and the actions we are going to take, or maybe it will.  But even if there is no change we will at least be acting from a much stronger and much better informed position.

Take a decision right now that you are going to listen much harder, that you are going to try much harder to understand what it is that those around you want.  Again, I should remind you that I am not saying you should necessarily then GIVE them what they want.  But when you have a much better understanding of the feelings, wishes, and needs of everyone around you I can guarantee you will be in a much stronger position.  You will have a much better control of what is happening around you.  Why settle for any less?

Fish or Snake

A boy went to his father and asked him for a snake.  The father was surprised by this request.  Very surprised!  He looked around for a snake that would neither crush (such as a boa constrictor) nor give venomous bites so his son could have what he asked for but still be safe from danger.  This took him some time, as he wanted to be really certain the gift would be safe.  Eventually he found a nice grass snake and proudly gave this to his son.  The boy looked at his father wide-eyed and asked "why have you given me this instead of a fish?  Do you expect me to eat a snake?"

Rather a silly story don't you think?  And if you know your Bible you may recognize it as a twist on Matthew 7:10.  A father will not give his son a snake if he asks for a fish.  But will he give him a snake if the son, intending to ask for a fish, asks instead for a snake?

The reason I have told this silly story, and maybe risked offending some Christians who won't like me changing something Jesus said, is that it illustrates something that is going on all the time.  Something I can pretty much guarantee YOU are doing.  All of us, me included, sometimes have great problems communicating what we really want to communicate.  This is nothing to be ashamed of - it is the human condition.  But it IS something we should recognize.

Recognizing the communication problem we all have is extremely important.  Even if we find it difficult or perhaps even impossible to communicate effectively all the time, we should at least be aware that we are frequently miscommunicating.  If we are aware of this we are much less likely to act the way the son did when he blamed his father for not understanding what he wanted.  We can  step back and recognize that the problem is probably ours rather than someone else's.

At a national level, the difficulty in communicating properly literally causes wars.  At a personal level it causes breakdowns in relationships - resulting in tragic and perhaps completely unneccessary divorces, and the loss of what should have been great and deep friendships.

The difficulty in communicating often starts with a difficulty in even understanding what it is we really want.  A desire begins deep inside.  It is a desire for something good and wholesome.  Something that will make us happy but will also do good in the world, create lasting change for good.  As that desire rises through the different levels of our mind and spirit it becomes tainted.  It changes.  Until it becomes a desire for something completely different once it reaches the upper levels of our conscious mind.  We communicate that often horribly mutated desire, are given a snake instead of a fish, and then wonder why we are unhappy and are not satisfied even though we have achieved and/or acquired what we thought we wanted.

I have said this many times in other blogs, and make no apology for saying it again, as I believe it is one of the major keys to unlocking a fulfilled, successful life.  If you want to be successful the first thing you must do is strip away all the camouflage that has so distorted your deep, inner desires.  Find out what it is you TRULY want rather than what you THINK you want.  Do this by taking some time, every day, to sit quietly and meditate.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  Relax.  Close your eyes.  See in your mind's eye a beautiful garden.  Notice what lovely flowers, beautiful trees, and delicious fruits are growing in the garden.  Let those lovely things speak to you.  If you do this often and properly you will be amazed at the way in which your own inner communication changes.  You will begin to understand much better what you truly want.

Once you know what you really want, you can ask the Universe for it, and can also go out and find it.  As you go looking for it, and doing whatever may be necessary to achieve or acquire your desire, you will find the way towards it is much better prepared and signposted than you expected.  This is the way the Universe gives us what we ask for.  Not by letting us just sit there waiting for it to appear, but by allowing us to see so much more clearly how to get it once we know what it really is.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"  Matthew 7: 9-11

How to Listen With Your Heart

by

Flo Li

"The first duty of love is to listen." -- Paul Tillich

Love is tricky. Without communication, love is not sustainable. A huge part of communication is the ability, willingness and the act of listening. How you truly listen to your partner determines the depth of your conversation and the meaningfulness of your communication. There are two major ways to listen -- one is with your head, another is with your heart.

Listening with your head requires little concentration, awareness, or compassion. It is a mechanical process that most of us have mastered quite nicely. You simply listen to the words been spoken, pay little attention to tonality or body language, but you do pay a lot of attention to your internal dialogue that formulates what you will say next. The conversation becomes a ping pong game with great technicality but lacks soul.

Listening with your heart requires more focus, sympathy, and love. It is an artistic process that only the gifted few have charismatically obtained. Throughout history, the best leaders are those who truly sympathized with their troops. The most effective executives are the ones who understood their employees at a deeper level. The most intimate love relationships are the union formed between individuals who practiced heart centered listening.

Luckily for us, listening with your heart is a trained process. It simply takes practice to become more compassionate, charismatic, and loving. There are several steps you can follow to fine tune the art of listening with your heart.

1. Be glad. Start the conversation with the willingness to connect and appreciate the opportunity to connect.
2. Set your agenda aside when it is your time to listen. Your objective is to listen and to listen only. Clear your mind of what your agenda is and what you would like to gain from the conversation.
3. Listen to the words, sense the tonality behind the words, and watch the body language without a single ounce of judgment. Remember, there is no right or wrong in what might appear in front of you yet your own interpretation can make anything seem right or wrong.
4. Listen to the underlying message underneath the words by staying open. Your unconscious mind is able to pick up inferential statements which can often get clouded by the judgment of the conscious logical mind.
5. During a pause, do not jump in but take time to open your heart. By opening your heart, you are automatically connected to the other person while sympathy, love, and compassion are also expressed naturally.
6. Ask for clarification. If you do not understand something, ask for more explanation. Do not accuse of the other person for not being clear. It takes two to communication, so please take responsibility for yourself.
7. Most importantly, listen slowly. Listening with your heart requires your mind to slow down or stop in order to truly listen to another. It requires you to be more in your body and less in your head.

Practice listening with your heart as a healthy way of being. It will improve all of your relationships in a miraculous way. Remember, "the first duty of love is to listen."

About the author:

Flo Li http://floli.com/

During a physical death experience she touched the face of the infinite divine and gained spiritual freedom...Flo Li has a masters in Bioengineering and an MBA in entrepreneurship. Born a skeptic with a keen sense of scientific mind, she found herself waking up to the undeniable truth of Divine Love and Ancient Wisdom. A passionate speaker, she shares her crossing over experience and lessons learned through public talks and profound writing.