You will never reach your goal

Have you ever almost reached your goal, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath your feet just when that goal was in sight?

Have you ever actually reached your goal, but before you can start to enjoy it you find something has happened to make you walk away from it?

Be honest here.  These are two very common problems faced by most people.  If this has never happened to you then all I can say is that you are very lucky and are in a very small minority.  And just because it has not happened yet, this doesn't mean it will never happen to you in the future!

As this is such a common problem I feel it is very important to address it again, even though I have referred to it in a number of different blog articles.  What can you do to stop this happening, or at least to minimize the chance of it happening?  The first step is to recognize the problem.  If you understand the causes you have a much better chance of moving in a different direction and stopping the "self sabotage" from happening in the first place.

There are three distinct reasons here, any one of which can result in the prize of your achievement being snatched away, and all of which can work together to make it virtually impossible for you to realize your dreams.  If you do not address them I would go as far as to say you will never achieve your goals.

The first I will call "Fear of Failure".  The second is "Fear of Success".  The third is "Incorrect Goal Identification".

Fear of Failure

Fear of Failure is very common.  I would go as far as to say virtually everyone suffers from Fear of Failure.

Recently I read a novel by Celeste Ng called "Little Fires Everywhere".  This is a well written novel with quite a complex plot line.  But to me the strongest element was the self-destructive instincts of a mother who was afraid her youngest daughter would not develop in the way she hoped.  You could almost say she loved her daughter too much, although I personally don't believe in the concept of "loving too much", but only of allowing that deep love to express itself in inappropriate and destructive ways.  Because she was so afraid that certain things would happen, the mother unintentionally caused those very things to happen.  If she had simply expressed her love for her youngest in the same way as she did for her other children, my reading of the novel is that her youngest daughter would have grown up as "completely normal" rather than the maladjusted child she became.

This is very typical of all of us.  We are afraid that we won't achieve what we want to achieve.  This causes us to focus on all the things that could go wrong rather than on all the things that we could do to ensure we are successful.  Often we get very close to success despite all that wrong focus.  But eventually the wrong focus comes home to roost.

We often see this in the way a lot of relationships go wrong.  One party fears the other might stop loving them and find someone else.  They have no logical reason for this fear, but gradually it grows and takes over their life.  Instead of being the beautiful positive thing it should be, the relationship becomes toxic.  The party who feels this way begins to read the wrong signs into everything.  If their other half smiles at someone they believe this means they are transferring their affections to that other person.  Every innocent action is given a completely different reason, building a picture of betrayal - a betrayal that simply doesn't exist, yet!  The more this goes on, the more toxic the relationship becomes.  The other party is almost forced into a position where they stop loving the other, or at least find that love considerably diluted.  They cannot understand what has happened, but simply know that the relationship is not working.  And so they start looking for a better relationship elsewhere - the very thing that the person responsible for this change feared would happen.

The same thing can, and often does, happen with other life goals, not simply relationships.

You want to become wealthier.  At first you are excited by this goal, imagining you now have all the things you could have if you WERE wealthier.  Having imagined having them, you then imagine them being taken away or never having managed to get them in the first place.  This makes you feel rotten.  But you now believe this is the most likely outcome.  You think of all the things that can go wrong and stop you achieving your wealth goal.  Your focus changes from what you can do to get wealthier, to what can stop you getting wealthier.  All the negatives seem to add up to something much more powerful than the positives.  Eventually, the Universe gets the message - you are focussed on not getting wealthy, so that is what it is going to ensure happens to you.

Be aware that this not only CAN happen, but very often does.  Defeat it by focussing again on the goal and the pleasure it will bring, and don't allow all those negative voices to take your power away from you.

Fear of Success

Fear of Success is really a kind of evolved Fear of Failure.  You recognize that when you achieve what you want to achieve you can easily lose it.  So you then focus on how that would make you feel.  Your impression is that if you achieve it and then lose it you will be a lot unhappier than if you never achieved it in the first place.  I think you can immediately see where this is leading.  The closer you get to success, the stronger you feel this worry about how achieving and then losing is worse than not achieving at all.  So your subconscious decides the best thing is to ensure you never achieve success in the first place.  Once your subconscious makes this decision you may as well give up trying.  You cannot defeat your subconscious - it is far more powerful than your conscious mind.

The answer, of course is to ensure you do not send this kind of message to your subconscious in the first place.

The reality is that we win and lose things all the time in the game of life.  Take pleasure from your wins, and don't focus on the losses.  Don't allow the very real fear that something in the future will change and take away what you have initially achieved, to stop you from achieving in the first place.

Incorrect Goal Identification

Again this is something I have covered many times in different blog articles.  But it is extremely important.  If you don't give a great deal of thought to the goals you are working towards I can almost guarantee they will be the wrong goals.  The desire for success comes from deep within.  As it rises to the surface it becomes modified.  And when it reaches your conscious mind it is usually something completely different from the original intended goal.  

When you then start going after what you think is your goal, your subconscious sees it is not the original goal.  So it doesn't try to help you achieve it.  Even worse, in many cases the modified goal will be counter-productive and will move you away from what the true goal should have been.  If so, not only will your subconscious not help you achieve it, but it will actively work to stop you achieving it.  In the unlikely event that you achieve the goal, you will never be really happy with it, as it is not the goal you really wanted to achieve even though you never knew this.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to dive deep within yourself and find out what that original true goal is.  You do this by noting down what you think are your goals and then sit still and meditate on it.  As you do so you will be going deep within yourself where you are more likely to find the true goal itself.  When you come out of that meditation, note down your feelings and thoughts arising from the meditation.  You will probably need to do this many times before you truly identify your real goals, but every hour you spend doing this is an hour very well spent.  Identify your true goals and you will be setting yourself up for really achieving them.

Dealing with Fear

Are you ever afraid?

I would be very surprised if anyone answered "no" to this question!  Apart from anything else, there is a purpose for fear.  It would not be very sensible to try to eliminate it.

The purpose of fear is survival, of course!  It is sometimes known as the "fight or flight response".  Fear is the natural reaction to dangerous situations.  It prepares you to remove the danger - either by confronting it to get rid of it (fight), or to remove yourself from the dangerous situation (flight).  In modern civilized society fear is much less needed than it was when man was a hunter-gatherer.  There are far fewer life-threatening situations which require you to fight or run away.  There are still many situations where you need to take action to prevent unpleasant consequences, but in most cases the fight or flight response is inappropriate.

What is the correct response to fear?  First, you should check what is causing the fear.  Second, you should decide how you should react to that fear.  Third, you should decide whether you literally need to fight or run, or whether a different response is required.  If you do need literally to fight or run, then leave the fear unchecked to allow you to have the necessary increase in strength and speed.  Don't let it get so strong that it paralyzes you, like a rabbit in the car headlights, but allow it to do its physiological job.  If you don't need to fight or run, then you may either "sublimate" the fear, or create a state change to remove it.

Here is an example where you may actually need the fear for its original purpose:

You are in the jungle and a lion suddenly appears.  Unless you are a very unusual person, at this point you will become very afraid.  My understanding is that you should not run in this situation, as that will encourage the lion to run after and attack you - and believe me when I tell you a lion can run rather faster than you!  My research tells me that a hunting lion can reach speeds of 50 mph or more, and I am quite sure this would be too fast for you!  So you shouldn't use the "flight" reaction.  Instead, use the "fight" response.  Make yourself appear threatening to the lion.  You could act this without the fear there to stimulate you, but it would not be anywhere near as effective as it will be if you use the physiological change to indicate you are ready to fight.  Raise your hands and yell at the lion!  Then walk away slowly, not running, whilst maintaining that threatening attitude.  In most cases, this strategy is likely to work and you may well get away completely unscathed.  But if the lion continues to attack, use that fear to push you right into fight mode.  Now you are not pretending you are going to fight - you actually are fighting.  Punch the lion in the face, aiming at its eyes if possible.  Without a massive flow of adrenalin into your system, your attack on the lion would no doubt be a very miserable attempt.  But allow the adrenalin to fulfil its purpose and you will be able to punch hard, causing quite a lot of damage.  In many cases that has been enough for the lion to decide this prey is too much trouble and to slink away.

A good example of sublimating fear is the way many actors use stage fright to give better performances.  They express that fear through the energy, emotions and passion they need to put into their performance.  But some great performers have been unable to sublimate their fear in this way, and the result has been catastrophic.  Barbra Streisand had a 27 year hiatus in her singing career, caused by severe stage fright.

If you find you have just the "right" amount of fear for the situation you are in, then don't try to do anything to remove it.  The negative emotion is fulfilling its purpose.  Don't let it paralyse you.  Instead, begin immediately to use it to improve your ability to run or to fight.  As in the above "lion" example.

But if fear is inappropriate for the situation you are in, which most of the time will be the case, you need a state change to remove that fear.  This is not the same as the way I have outlined in other articles for removing worry.  A good way to remove worry is to think logically about the situation you are in, recognize that worry is not going to change it, and then move on.  But fear tends to be an instantaneous response, and usually requires something much faster acting than logical thinking.  Hence my suggestion of a state change.

A good way to create a state change is to adopt a different body posture.  Posture and emotions are inextricably linked.  When you are feeling a powerful emotion you will find your body adopts a particular posture that fits the emotion.  But also, if you adopt a posture normally associated with a particular emotion you will find it creates that emotion.  It works both ways.  So think of a very different, positive emotion and try to adopt the posture that fits with that emotion.  Ideally you should prepare a set of postures in advance.  Work on creating a posture for joy, one for high energy, one for a relaxed state, one for inspiration, one for awe, etc.  Then work on creating just a small body movement that links to the full posture for the positive emotion.

This is, as you will realize, a long term project, and one that goes far beyond simply countering fear.  You can use it to counter any negative emotion.  If you have done a lot of work on this, then by all means create an appropriate state change by using one of the "positive postures" you have worked on.

But if you have not yet reached the stage where you have a portfolio of postures you can readily adopt, go for "high energy".  This is something you will already have experienced if you have been to any of the programs run by someone like Tony Robbins or T Harv Eker.  If you have not been to one of those programs you can still easily do this.  Stand up straight, as quickly as you can.  Jump up and down, if possible thinking about something that makes you feel really good.  Wave your arms in the air.  Imagine you can hear some really loud, pumping music, and pump your arms up and down in time to that music.  It will simply not be possible for you to maintain a state of paralyzing fear while you are doing this!  The adrenalin may continue pumping, but it will definitely be linked more to "fight" than "flight".  Of course, you may be in a situation where you cannot jump up and down, but try to do as much of this routine as you can without totally embarrassing yourself in that situation - maybe jumping to your feet and punching one arm into the air will be enough.  When you feel really energized, then try another state change for relaxation, peace, and happiness. Sit down, without slumping (that is very important), close your eyes, and recall an event where you were really happy.  At the same time smile broadly.  Really imagine yourself there, eliciting your happiness both from that event and from your broad smile.  Breath deeply and slowly.  Focus on that deep breathing, and relax.  Now gradually open your eyes and come back to your "reality".  You should find you now have a very different emotion.  The fear should be gone, and replaced with peace and happiness.

I hope you will never need to use the technique I have given you for dealing with a stalking lion, but if you do you will find this technique really is the best you can do and it could literally save your life.  I am, though, quite sure you will face other things in life which cause fear or even panic - use the state change techniques I have outlined and make that fear and other negative emotions a thing of the past.

If you feel you need help with any of the issues raised in this article, go here:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/stress/ 

How to Eliminate Fear and Anxiety

Do you ever worry about something?  Do you suffer from anxiety?  Are you ever fearful?  Would you like to eliminate fear, worry and anxiety altogether?

Before we go any further, let me clarify one important point about fear.  The reason nature has given us an emotion we call "fear" is to try to stop us from getting into dangerous situations when we do not need to.  This is a good thing.  You should not try to eliminate that fear, but rather respect it.  React to the fear by doing whatever you can to remove yourself from a dangerous or catastrophic situation.  Once you have done that and know there is nothing else you should or can do, then use the techniques in this article to eliminate the fear.

Deciding whether or not you can do anything about a situation is a very important first step, perhaps the most important step of all.  If there is something you can do which may stop something bad happening, then do it!  Don't sit there worrying about what might happen if there is something you can do to stop it!  This might seem obvious, but for some reason most people never take this first step, but instead feel like a rabbit frozen in the headlights of a car about to run it over.  The rabbit could simply run away and avoid the terrible fate awaiting it, but it doesn't as it is paralyzed by the very fear nature intended to save it from that fate.  Do not become that rabbit!

Once you have thought through the actions you could take, and have taken the appropriate ones, now is the time to eliminate the fear or worry as now it is serving no useful purpose.

One method I always use at this point is to imagine whatever it is I fear or whatever is worrying me has happened.  Imagine the worst case scenario.  Now think about whatever you can do to make the best of a bad situation.  Once you have done those things, just how bad is it?  How does it compare with, for example, the suffering of people trapped in Aleppo?  Is it as bad as that?  I think not!  Accept this bad result and move on.  Don't spend too long on this, as you don't want inadvertently to invoke the law of attraction and find you have created the bad situation for yourself.  Now that you recognize there will be things you can do at the time to reduce the hurt of whatever this bad situation may be, put it behind you.  Remember you have done everything you can to stop it happening in the first place, and you have recognized it is not exactly the end of the world if it does happen, and therefore the fear and worry serves no purpose any longer.  It can be a good idea to verbalize this.  Thank the worry for having alerted you, tell it you have addressed the problem (either by changing things so it doesn't happen, by accepting the results if it does, or both), and then tell it now it has done its job it can go away.

You may think talking to a worry in this way is childish and silly, but it is not - it is actually a very effective way of disarming it.

Recognize that what you have done here is simply accept the worst case scenario should it ever occur.  Unless you have worked pretty hard to create a bad situation for yourself it is probably never going to materialize.  In 1816 Thomas Jefferson wrote the following to John Adams:

"How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened!"

Sometimes we worry about something because it seems too big for us to deal with, and yet we also feel it is something we SHOULD be dealing with.  The answer to this is to treat it in the same way as you would treat the task of eating an elephant (sorry to all of my vegetarian friends!) - break it down into bite sized pieces and then deal with each piece one at a time.  The big puzzle may seem too big for you to solve, but there are usually small pieces you can chip away and solve, eventually making that big problem very much smaller.  While you are dealing with one piece, again address the big worry.  Again thank it for showing your there is a problem which needs to be solved and tell it that you are dealing with it piece by piece.  Ask it to go away while you are solving each piece so that it does not stop the very process it wanted you to start.

You may find just the techniques I have given you above are enough to deal with all your fears, worries and anxieties.  But there are many people for whom this is simply not enough.  They find they are still worrying about things.  Often those worries and anxieties are "nameless".  They don't know what they are worrying about.  Worrying and being anxious has become such a habit that they simply cannot stop.  If you find you are one of these habitual worriers, then read on for what you can do once you have used the principal attacks on your worries.

Schedule some time each day to practise meditation, mindfulness exercises or yoga.  Ideally you should do this when you first wake in the morning and again just before you go to sleep at night.  I am not going to go through any meditation or yoga techniques in this article as that would probably turn it into a book!  Take a look and you will find plenty of material around - including in other articles in this blog.  Perhaps even invest in some books on the subject, subscribe to a course, join a local group.  Do anything - just as long as you take some action!  What you will find is that these techniques will help you relax and your nameless anxieties will gradually melt away.

Even regular physical exercise can help.  Having a hard work-out can make those worries, the ones not related to anything you can deal with, simply melt away.

Finally, do not underestimate the importance of staying socially engaged.  The support good friends can give you should not be underestimated.  Sometimes they can help you directly with the things that are worrying you if you take the trouble to ask for their help or advice.  Even when this is not the case you will find simply enjoying good company will lower your anxiety levels for no apparent reason at all.

Stress Management through Fun

by

Cliff Kuhn M.D.

Stress management is a hot topic; stress-related illness and suffering is at an all-time high in America and increasing every year. Cliff Kuhn, M.D.'s work with the powerful natural medicine of humor has uncovered the primary culprit behind your unhealthy stress symptoms, as well as the solution to simple, healthy stress management.

Astronomer-mathematician Ptolemy (85-165) devised a theory of planetary motions that placed the earth at the center of the universe. The sun, moon, and planets revolved around the earth in the Ptolemaic universe. This notion was accepted for approximately 1,500 years. More on this in a moment...

Shelly was in such need of stress management that she was unhappy much of the time. Shortly after she became my patient, I was able to help Shelly see that, just like Ptolemy's theory, she was casting herself as the center of the universe, thereby causing unmanageable stress levels in her life. We began a regimen from my Fun Factor prescription that afforded Shelly proper stress management, reintroduced joy and happiness, and brought her life back into balance.

Shelly's problem was common; I see more and more people each day who suffer from unhealthy levels of stress. Whether it is sleeplessness, weight gain, mood changes, hair loss, worry, agitation, or any other of the myriad symptoms commonly associated with stress, stress-related illness and suffering is at an all-time high in America and increasing every year. Luckily for you, my work with the powerful natural medicine of humor has uncovered the primary culprit behind your unhealthy stress symptoms, as well as the solution to simple, healthy stress management.

My medical practice, involving decades of work with chronically and fatally ill patients, has clearly identified the cause of our painful stress symptoms - seriousness. Seriousness means taking yourself too seriously; seriousness means over-reaching - taking responsibility for things beyond your power, such as the outcomes and results of all your hard work. Consequently, you're positioning yourself incorrectly as the "center of the universe." Seriousness causes so much pressure that effective stress management, which I will teach you in this article, becomes impossible.

The antidote for your seriousness, and your foundation for healthy stress management, is the natural medicine of humor. Humor's incredible power is harnessed to maximum impact through my unique Fun Factor prescription. Based upon my Fun Commandments, which were forged in unison with some incredible patients of mine, my Fun Factor prescription is capable of producing such profound positive change to your health and personal success that you will soon have people whispering, "Is she always this happy?"

In this article, I will explain how my Fun Factor prescription can be directly applied to your stress. You will be amazed at how much lighter and happier you feel, with each passing day, as you put the following Fun Commandments to work in your life. You are about to discover that the natural medicine of humor produces flawless stress management, putting an end to your painful stress symptoms.

The Fun Factor Stress Management Formula

Step One: Laugh with Yourself

My first stress management Fun Commandment is: Laugh with Yourself. This Commandment is not about humiliation or self-denigration, it is the ultimate in self-respect because it teaches you to appreciate your "perfect imperfection" and to find gentle amusement in your foibles. And, when it comes to stress, there is plenty of amusement to be found which will greatly aid your stress management.

Here's the first amusing thing about your stress: you can't live without it, yet too much is bad for your health. Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. For example, we die if we are without water for more than a few days; but submerge us in water and we die a lot sooner.

It is said that we can die from boredom. I don't think there is any scientific evidence for that theory, but one thing is certain - stress relieves boredom. Ending boredom, indeed, could be considered a form of stress relief. An amusing paradox, no doubt!

Without stress, also, we might not eat. Hunger is a form of stress our body needs occasionally to remind us we need food. Stress causes the adrenal glands to work. Athletes would not perform at their best without stress-induced adrenaline. Every activity causes a certain amount of stress. So does inactivity. In fact, to be completely stress-free we would have to be dead - not a highly recommended stress management technique!

The idea that stress is a killer is exaggerated, which is also humorous. Too much stress can be a killer, and it is against too much stress in our lives that we need to guard. Fortunately we are equipped with the finest possible stress management mechanism: the natural medicine of humor and the ability to laugh with ourselves. Far better and safer than Valium, it is our built-in stress management system.

As you learn to laugh with yourself you will become like an athlete - who can have fun running the mile or the marathon and still turn in peak performance. In fact, since too much seriousness can tighten muscles through negative tension, laughing with yourself may even enhance performance. This Fun Commandment works wonderfully on many levels.

Step Two: Choose To Motivate Yourself With Fun, Not Fear

Step two in my Fun Factor stress management formula is one of my newest Fun Commandments. Motivating yourself with fun rather than fear is a crucial step that allows your commitment to laugh with yourself to fully impact your healthy stress management.

This brings us to the only true choice you have in life. Will you be inspired by fear or by fun? One choice is all we have for our health, wellness, and fitness - fear or fun. It all boils down to that. It is your responsibility to choose one or the other.

The question is, which is the responsible choice? Which of the two is a powerful medicine, which will give you health and motivate you greater success, sustaining you over time? The natural medicine of humor gives us the answer.

There is no doubt that both fear and fun are potent stimulants to behavior over the short run. So the question becomes one of sustainability. Will fear or fun best help us sustain our excellence over time? Which of the two is a powerful alternative medicine that you can learn to use for your greatest health, wellness, and fitness? (That's a trick question, by the way)

Let's Encounter A Man-Eating Bear!

The fear of being eaten alive motivates us to run as fast and as far as we can when chased by a bear. There is little to no fun in that experience. It is purely fearful, but the energy it provides maximizes the possibilities of sustaining life for that moment. For the moment, in such a life-threatening situation, fear seems to be an efficient and productive choice. Though full of stress, it relieves us of the immediate threat!

But let's take it a step further. Having survived my wilderness encounter with the bear, I return to my home in an urban environment. The next morning, as I start out for work, I run desperately for the car, quickly jumping inside and locking the doors.

When I arrive at my workplace, I race into the building. Before I get down to work I suspend my bagged lunch high above my desk, roping it to the light standards. I insist upon all doors being locked and secured. When asked why, I answer, "I'm merely doing what got me through my wilderness experience over the weekend. I don't want to be eaten by a bear."

You'd think I was over-reacting just a wee bit, and you'd be right. You could say that my stress relieves my anxiety, but my anxiety is based on a lie conjured and sustained by my fear! Not exactly the greatest of stress management techniques.

The Three Biggest Dangers Of Our "Run-From-a-Bear" Stress Management Techniques

1. We live our lives as though every day was an emergency; as though a bear is chasing us all the time. 
2. We now know that such a constant state of "wariness" or agitation breaks down our coping mechanisms over time. It is impossible to sustain the fear-based behavior without breaking down or burning out.
3. Of all the stress management techniques, this is the absolute worst to choose because it only increases our stress! It reduces the effectiveness of humor's natural medicine to zilch.

A more pernicious error occurs. We begin to think that the avoidance of whatever we fear is the same as having fun. Joy becomes synonymous with the avoidance of fear. 

The Absence Of One Thing Does Not Indicate The Presence Of Its Opposite

If this sounds ridiculous to you let me put it in more familiar terms that have become acceptable where your health is concerned. With rare exception we have agreed in our society that health is synonymous with absence of symptoms. Do you really believe your health is merely the absence of your symptoms? My Fun Factor prescription teaches you that, not only is the absence of symptoms not synonymous with health, but also that you never have to fall for that lie again.

You never have to settle for second-rate health! You can use your powerful natural medicine of humor to stave off seriousness' debilitating effects.

Therefore the issue becomes balance. Fun balances fear. The ultimate question is not, "Are you without fear?", but "Is your fun in balance with your fear?" If you're not 100% certain of a "yes" response to the later question, then you need to STOP - RIGHT NOW - and take the last step in my Fun Factor stress management formula to ensure that your life is as healthful as it could be.

Step Three: Tell the Truth

The final step in your Fun Factor stress management formula is the Fun Commandment, Tell the Truth. This Commandment refers more to self-integrity than it does "cash register" honesty. Getting in the habit of telling yourself the truth will cement humor's powerfully positive effect over your stress. Your stress management becomes second nature when you are honest with yourself each day, because you can then immediately, easily, and simply apply steps one and two to your life.

Telling yourself the truth, for our purposes, focuses on knowing when your stress levels are rising. As we noted in step two, everyday activities normally produce a baseline level of stress and this stress is usually alleviated by your daily routines (for example, when you experience the stress of hunger, you eat). Step three in my Fun Factor stress management formula teaches you to recognize the signs of unhealthy stress and take corrective action immediately.

Here are some simple stress management techniques to apply when your self-honesty reveals rising stress levels:

1. Start your day off by singing in the shower at the top of your voice. Make up your own song that incorporates the idea that you are embarking upon a glorious day in which great things are going top happen to you. Can't sing? Good! Can't rhyme? Who cares? The words are for you alone. This is not a contest. Be as off-key as you need to be...unless you are Placido Domingo.

The important thing is to be loud (your inner ear has to hear it), upbeat and convincing. The subconscious believes what it is told. Start your day by telling it that it will be a great day and you will be more than halfway to producing exactly that result. Think of your singing not as singing but as a stress relief game played before stress has a chance to rear its ugly head.

2. Travel to work alone, along the same boring route every day? Make up a game to play as you look out the window of your car, bus or train. For example, how many dogs will you see on the way to work?

Try to guess before you set out and see how close you are when you arrive. Reward yourself every time you guess correctly to within a certain number. Drivers: limit yourself to dogs (or green elephants) you see through the windshield only. This game does not work well in subways; there are no green elephants in subways.

3. Have a routine job? One that you find boring? Does it produce stress symptoms, such as drumming your fingers or tapping your toes? Perhaps you need to introduce fun into your workday.

For example, if your job is to make identical widgets each day, how could you do something different to give variety to what otherwise could become a monotonous task? Could you, for example, place each new widget relative to the others so that together they make a pattern, or spell the name of your sweetheart? How many do you make an hour? Could you make one more than that the next hour, safely and with the same excellent quality? Make a stress-relieving game out of your work and it will feel less like work and more like fun.

4. Smile. You feel stressed? Smile. It is a simple activity, so simple that even infants can do it. Just for kicks, count how many times you smile in an hour. None, you say? Then this stress relief game is even easier for you, and more important than it is for those who smile all the time. (No wonder they don't feel the same degree of stress that you do!)

Your smile doesn't need to be a broad grin that suggests to those around you that they need to call the men in white coats. But it should be more than a mental smirk; your facial muscles should be aware that they are smiling.

It is possible simply to paste a smile on your face without any reason other than you want to smile. After a while, your subconscious will take over, lighten your mood, and the smiles will come easily and naturally.

It's best, if possible, to think of something that can give you a genuine smile, a reason you can talk about if called upon to do so. Each of us, no matter how depressed, has something in life to celebrate.

5. Recognize that stress is a choice. We can accept it and put up with it, and the damage it can cause our bodies. We can avoid it, but that could be a difficult choice; especially if it means quitting the only job we know in a tough job market. That choice might easily create worse stresses. Or we can deal with it and defeat it.

That is not as difficult as it might sound if you make up your mind to use my Fun Factor prescription in everything you do. That doesn't necessarily mean, laughing, joking and playing the village idiot - though all those activities can relieve stress too. You can have fun without ever cracking a single joke.

A game of tickle with the children or grandchildren can be fun and bring energetic screams of delight from them and you. Touch football or, for the less energetic, lawn darts or horseshoes can be fun. For others, it's a walk, socializing with friends, admiring the beauty around us or following a hobby - especially if it is an engrossing one.

Attitude Is Everything

The key is to recognize stress symptoms when they occur, recognize what's causing them, and use my Fun Factor formula for healthy stress management. Since fun is the best natural stress reliever known, it makes good sense to incorporate my Fun Factor stress management formula into your daily life.

But don't get obsessive about it. Don't be stressed by removing stress. Be content with removing some of your stress, and with taking the edge off it so that you function as a healthier, happier and more productive humor being. After all, perfectionism produces stress.

Shelly, by the way, has learned to take herself much more lightly now and she does not suffer nearly as many stress symptoms. The paradox she loves is that taking herself less seriously actually permits her to take her responsibilities more seriously than ever before! The natural medicine of humorr, supercharged by my Fun Factor prescription, has allowed Shelly to easily and simply manage her stress and enjoy a life others have started to envy.

Just as Polish astronomer Nicholas Copernicus disproved Ptolemy's earth-centered universe in the 16th century, so the natural medicine of humor disproves that you must suffer from being the center of your universe. Remove yourself from the pressure and stress of a life where everything revolves around you...start using my Fun Factor stress management formula, and the rest of my Fun Commandments, today!

About the Author:

Clifford Kuhn, M.D., America's Laugh Doctor, teaches people and organizations to be more healthy and successful through the use of fun and humor. A psychiatrist, and the former associate chairperson of the University of Louisville's renowned Department of Psychiatry, Dr. Kuhn now dispenses his prescription for turbo-charging your health, success, and vitality from http://www.natural-humor-medicine.com/EZA4.  On his website you will find tons of fun, free ways for you to maximize your sense of humor, and enjoy a life others will envy.

Fearless

Every person has some type of fear or worry inside of them.  You may be worried or scared about performing well at work.  Or you may be afraid that you have developed a serious illness.  These are valid fears but it is the way in which you handle them that counts.

The key here is to recognize the message your worry or fear is giving you and act on that message.  If you are concerned about an illness, see a health professional.  Get checked out to see if you have that illness, and follow medical advice if you have.  But if you don't have it, take advice on the steps you can take to avoid getting it in the first place.  If you are concerned about your job performance, start looking for ways to improve this. Maybe you need to learn a new skill or just have more confidence in what you do.

When you start to feel more confident others will also see you as more confident.  A good way to increase your confidence level is by thinking positively each day.  Try using positive affirmations to help you reach your goals.  Each morning repeat these affirmations until you truly believe them.

Being fearless means that you will not allow any fear to get the better of you or hold you back.  Instead you take steps to learn how to deal with these issues and look for ways to work around them.  Sometimes talking to another person about your fears can be a huge help.  You may discover that they have the same fears, and simply sharing can be helpful.

While everyone loves to be known as fearless there are times when being fearless is not good.  If you begin to act in a reckless manner you could injure yourself or others around you.  There is a fine line between being scared to do something and downright doing something which would be considered foolish.  But that is why I have emphasized the need first to recognize the message that fear is giving you.  As long as you do that and act on it you have done all that is necessary, and now you need to remove the fear.

The best way to conquer any fear is to tackle it slowly, over a period of time.  Try to do things that are a little out of your comfort zone so you can push your limits.  As you achieve each goal then you should feel proud of what you have just accomplished.

If you continue this process you will discover that your fears aren’t as strong as they once were.  Plus your convictions and beliefs will be stronger and this will help you become a more successful person.

There is nothing wrong in having any type of fear.  You just do not want this fear to overtake your life.  Instead set yourself small challenges which will help you overcome your fear and allow you to lead the life you really want to live.

Making Friends With Fear

by

Meredith Hines

When I was in drama school the great American actress Annette Bening came to speak to my class. A student asked her how she "overcame" her stage fright. She laughed, and said she hadn't. Instead she described a mindful awareness and acceptance of the anxiety she experiences before a scene. She said she would have a peaceful conversation with herself, something like: "Oh my, my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, and I am really nervous right now. Interesting. Good to know. Alright nervous Annette, let's go to work!"

Like so much of our suffering, fear itself is not innately destructive; it is our rigid reaction to fear that keeps us imprisoned. Unlike Ms. Bening, most people's conditioned response to fear is to resist and contract. Like wincing with your body when you stub your toe, rather than feeling our fear, we tense around it and defend against it. Some of us run from fear by self-medicating with drugs, sex, food, or another anesthetizing distraction. Some of us fight fear like a shaming drill sergeant, forcing ourselves to "muscle through" and "conquer" our fears.

Not only do these responses often fail to adequately process and resolve fear, they are depleting on a physical, emotional, and psychological level. When we fight against it, or flee from it, we make fear an enemy. By cultivating a compassionate, rather than aggressive approach to fear, we can befriend it, soothe it, and learn from it. It certainly seems to have worked for Annette.

Here are 5 ways to make friends with your fear:

1. I've said it before, I'll say it again! Just Breathe: Our conditioned response to fear is to speed things up. Your breath is the most powerful tool you own to slow down your inner rhythm and achieve relaxation. When we are anxious the breath contracts into quick and shallow inhales with incomplete exhales. Consciously try to deepen your breath into the abdomen. Use your breath as a way of compassionately communicating with yourself and your fear. Imagine each full inhale providing nourishment and care, and each complete exhale providing relief. A skilled mind-body therapist can help you to cultivate essential self soothing technique.
2. Don't Time Travel: The mind is an incredible time machine. A fearful mind is obsessed with the pain of the past, or the anticipation of pain in the future. As you sit watching your breath notice the mind's desire to be anywhere but here. As each worrisome thought comes through your head file it under "past" or "future" and then come back to your breath. The breath, like your life, is happening right now, which is where your power lies.
3. Ground into your body: Like the breath, the sensations in your body are also happening right now, and paying attention to them can anchor you to the present moment. When we are frightened we leave our bodies. Cultivate practices to re-inhabit your physical being. Notice where fear lives in you. Breathe into those places. Drop your attention out of the head where everything is spinning and into the body where you can observe sensations without being consumed by them.
4. How old is it? After you have achieved a level of present centered awareness, you might ask yourself how old this fear feels. If you experienced trauma in childhood, a stressful event can trigger us right back to the age when we were hurt. In recognizing the activation of an earlier wound you gain insight into where there is "unfinished business" in your psyche that is asking to be seen, heard, and healed.
5. Remember Rilke: One of my favorite quotes, by one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke, states: "Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." If you can identify how old your fear is, you must then learn how to parent that pain. Rather than scolding fear as though it were a shameful failing, soothe it as though it were a wounded child. Ask the fear what it needs. Working with a therapist can help you cultivate self-care techniques to respond to those needs. Fear is a part of being human, when we take Rilke's advice (always a wise move) and befriend it with love and compassion, we can harness its energy and information to bring forth greater authenticity and creativity in our lives.

Copyright Meredith Hines MA 2011

About the Author:

Meredith Hines MA is a Los Angeles based psychotherapist, yoga and meditation practitioner and instructor, and a proud puppy mama. She specializes in working with anxiety, trauma, creativity, and spirituality. http://therapistmeredith.com

Learning from Fear

by

Dr. Tim Ong, M.B.B.S.

Nobody likes to feel fearful and because of that, most people will habitually react to fear by avoiding, repressing or suppressing it.  It takes courage and wisdom to see that our fear can be our greatest teacher.

When we examine our fear, we will often discover that it is irrational.  There is no real basis or substance to our fear.  That is why fear is often described as "False Evidence Appearing Real".  Fear is a self created illusion built upon past experiences or imprints.  The situation may have changed but the imprints compel us to react in a knee jerk manner without proper examination and re-evaluation of the new situation.

The good news is that this habit or tendency CAN be transformed.

The Fear of Rejection

One of the most common fears is the fear of rejection.  This fear comes in many forms.

For example, a person with this fear often feels it a challenge to talk to authority figures, whether these be their parents, teachers, superiors or even government bodies.  They are especially fearful to ask for or request things from these people.  The feeling of fear of rejection is an automatic response that arises from past experience of rejections from these same authority figures.

Another manifestation of this fear of rejection is in the inability to say "no" to other people's requests.  This is the other end of the spectrum and arises because of the fear of being rejected by the person who made the request.

Confront Your Fear

The best way to overcome your fear is to confront it.  However, there are two opposing ways of confrontation.  You can confront your fear with great compassion and gentleness, or you can confront it combatively.  The more skillful and effective way is naturally to confront it compassionately.

When you confront your fear compassionately, you'll soon discover the underlying false belief that gives rise to that fear.  You'll learn that the external situation is merely a mirror reflection of your inner mental state. That false belief gives rise to a correspondingly false perception of reality, thus the irrationality of the fear.

Confronting your fear compassionately means to see it without any judgment and blame.  It means to take responsibility for your emotion and even to embrace it with love.  When you can do this, you'll be grateful for your fear because you know it is there only as a teacher.  It is there to help you see your real self.

So the next time you experience fear, pause for a moment and examine it with love and compassion.  Allow this teacher to show you the lesson you need to learn.

As they said, "Do the things you fear and the death of fear is certain."

About the author:

Dr. Tim Ong is a medical doctor with keen interests in self improvement, mind science and spirituality. He is the author of "From Fear to Love: A Spiritual Journey" and a contributor to "101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 3" together with other authors like Ken Blanchard, Byron Katie, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Brown.