Which mask are you going to wear?

Which mask are you going to wear today?

Perhaps your reaction to this is one of puzzlement.  Why am I talking about masks?

Maybe you think you never wear a mask.  If so, you are almost certainly wrong.  We pretty much all wear masks.  There is nothing wrong with this, as long as we know we are doing it and choose to wear the right masks at the right time for the right reason.

The normal purpose of a mask is to hide a person's true identity.  This can be good or bad, depending on the reason behind it.  In some past cultures people wore masks to a ball so that they could do whatever they wished without the normal consequences.  They could flirt behind the back of their spouse, and even take someone else to bed, believing none would be the wiser.  Or today a person might wear a mask when committing a robbery or burglary, so that anyone around (and any hidden cameras) would find it impossible to identify them, allowing them to enjoy the proceeds of the crime without fear of arrest and imprisonment.  These are examples of bad reasons for wearing a mask to hide your identity.

But hiding your identity in order to replace it with another can also be a good thing.  Replace the word "identity" with "personality" and you should see what I mean.  Perhaps your normal identity is to be rather shy and withdrawn.  But then you are invited to a lively party.  Wearing a mask to that party could make you forget your shy identity and simply enjoy yourself.  Not for any nefarious reasons, not to prevent others from knowing who you are, but in essence to hide your own identity from yourself, allowing you to break out of that identity, enjoying things that your "normal" personality would not enjoy.  As long as the way in which you are enjoying yourself is not harmful to others or yourself, this is a good thing.

Also, we "put on" different identities or personalities depending on the situations we are in.  Many people wear a suit when they go to work, even if the company rules do not require this.  Why?  Because they enjoy wearing a suit?  Maybe.  But more likely because they find when they put on the suit they also put on a particular personality.  A personality that behaves in the right way in the work situation, even if this personality is something very different from their "normal" personality.  Some people even do this when they are working at home and will not be seen by anybody.  They find it is a good way to assume work mode even though they are in a place where normally they would expect to relax and enjoy leisure time.  So the suit is, itself, a form of mask.

There are other reasons for wearing masks besides hiding "normal" personalities and assuming different personalities, although that is probably the most usual reason.  For example, think about the plague masks used by doctors during the era of the Black Death.  These masks were intended to stop the bacteria passing from the plague victim to the doctor.  The doctors did not, at that time, understand plague was caused by bacteria, but they did recognize there was something within the victim that could pass through the air and infect them unless they put up a barrier to stop this happening.  Even today you can see a kind of plague mask, where people wear a face mask either to stop themselves infecting others or to avoid being infected by others.  These are all physical examples of using masks as a form of protection.  But the concept can also apply to personalities we assume.  Personalities that attempt to insulate us from "infection" by people around - with "infection" perhaps referring to being influenced in any way by them.  I would suggest this is not really a good use of masks.  It is true that there are what I would refer to as emotional vampires around us - people who seem to suck all the energy and positivity out of us, making us feel miserable and helpless.  But the best way to limit this is to avoid mixing with such people rather than to build a hard and solid barrier mask around us, preventing us from empathizing with anyone.

So, is it a good or a bad thing to wear masks?

It is a good thing if the purpose is to allow you to assume a different but necessary personality in order to achieve what you want to achieve, but subject to certain very clear and important rules.

Firstly, you should never assume a personality with which you are not completely comfortable.  Never take on a personality that conflicts with your true inner nature.  By definition it will be different, but it must not conflict.  An extreme negative example of this is so-called "conversion therapy".  This is a pseudo scientific process trying to make a person change their sexual orientation.  For example, making someone who is homosexual turn into someone who is heterosexual.  This is a very harmful process, whether a formal external therapy is used or simply an individual who is homosexual tries to force himself or herself to "wear a mask" of a heterosexual person.  Never allow your masks to deny your true inner nature.

Secondly, you must always recognize a mask for what it is.  A mask is not your true inner self.  It is just a mask.  Do not allow yourself to become confused and think that you are the personality represented by the mask.

Thirdly, and linked to the second rule, never allow the mask to take you over.  You are wearing the mask rather than the other way around.  Perhaps you should watch (or watch again) the Jim Carrey film "The Mask" to remind yourself of the danger of allowing any of your masks to take control of your life.  Know that they are simply masks that you can, and should, easily remove and put away when their function is no longer required.

Finally, and again linked to the above, never wear your mask for too long.  If you do, there is a real danger you will break both the second and third rules.  If you have a "work mask" you may wonder how you can avoid wearing it for too long.  You can avoid doing so by making sure you take that mask off the moment you stop work.  This includes not only when you go home at the end of your work day, but also in any work breaks you may have, especially your lunch break.  Where possible, go away during your lunch break rather than having lunch at your desk (if you are an office worker) and maintaining your work personality.  I have to admit that I am very bad at following this rule.  I recognize it may not always be possible to do this.  As long as you are certain you are not in danger of breaking the other rules then this may be ok, but keep a very close eye on what is happening and be prepared to take action if you sense any such danger at all.

So, what masks are you going to wear today?  Should you be wearing them?  And if you should, remember to take them off when they are no longer required.

Behind the mask

Have you ever looked behind your mask and found the real "you"?

When I ask people this question most ask "what mask?" and say they never wear masks.  They are deluding themselves.  We all wear masks.

We learn from an early age that we need to present a certain image to the world around us.  Maybe that is the image of an obedient boy or girl, who is really not quite as obedient as the mask suggests.  Maybe it is a mask that makes us less noticeable to the school bully and hopefully therefore allows us to avoid being bullied too much.  Or even the mask of a bully who doesn't want others to notice how vulnerable he or she is.

But we do not permanently wear the same mask.  Again, as a child you probably displayed a different mask to your parents than the one you displayed to your brothers and sisters if you had any.  A different mask to your teachers than to your school friends.  A different mask to your group of friends than to those in other groups.

As an adult you still have a whole series of masks.  One you show your boss at work.  Another you show your spouse.  And yet another you show your children.  You take on different personalities with those different masks.  The personality of a mother or father.  The personality of a loving spouse.  The personality of a loyal employee.  There is, in fact, a whole series of things that change in you as you assume each mask.  How an employee, spouse, or parent should behave, what they should say, how they should think, what they should believe.  Some of the beliefs associated with the mask are absolutely the right thing.  Many are not - they are patterns you have learned from others, from what you have read, what you have been told, experiences you have had.

If you want to develop and evolve properly it is important that you first look behind the masks.  You need to find the real "you".  Once you have found that true personality you can then work on improving it and moving it in the direction you wish to go.  And you can then also analyse each of your masks, identifying whether they are needed at all once your personality has evolved, and if they are still needed identifying which aspects should still be there and which should not.

This is not as easy as it sounds.  It is actually a lifetime task.  But a very rewarding task which you will find brings improvements in your life and, hopefully, greater happiness as you progress.

One reason it is not that easy is the point I made right at the beginning of this article - the challenge of even recognizing you are wearing a mask.  Knowing that even when you are sat alone, thinking about your goals, motivating yourself to reach them, and checking they are aligned with the inner purpose of your life, knowing that even then you are wearing a mask which you have to remove in order to move forward properly.

Another reason is that we all wear masks under our masks.  A bit like a matryoshka doll, the Russian nesting doll, except in the case of the matryoshka each doll inside the other normally looks identical, whereas when you peel back your masks you will find the one underneath is a little different.

Take some time each day to meditate, opening up your personal matryoshka one mask or shell at a time.  Get to the inner "you" and find out what that "you" really wants out of life.  Until you do this, you will not be satisfied with what you achieve, as it does not reflect what you really wanted to achieve.

As you progress with this, also take a look at those masks you are removing.  Try to find out why they are there.  Perhaps they are necessary, but perhaps not.  If they are needed, then try to find out how they change your personality, the way you behave, even the way you think and what you believe.  Strip out of the mask everything that is not needed, and everything that you find is a betrayal of the real "you".

What you will almost certainly discover is that the real "you" is very different, much deeper than suggested by the masks, and probably a much nicer person.  The mask of the "Democrat" or the "Republican" for example if you are in the US, "Labour", "Liberal Deomcrat", "Green", "UKIP", "SNP" or "Conservative" (and forgive me if I left out your particular mask here) if you are in the UK.  Wherever in the world you are I am sure you can replace these political masks with ones more appropriate to your situation.  I am not saying do not be a Democrat or Republican.  Just be aware that you do not need to wear the Democrat or Republican mask, that you can vote for one or other party and even strongly believe in the stance of one or other party, but do not allow that party to create a mask for you that is not the real "you".  Putting this back over 150 years ago, there were Confederates and Unionists.  If you have watched the US ABC miniseries "North & South", then you may remember the characters and beliefs of George Hazard and Orry Main.  They each believed strongly in their own cause, one being a Confederate and the other a Unionist.  They each had good reasons for those beliefs, or at least they felt there were good reasons for them.  But "Unionist" or "Confederate" was not really the true George Hazard or Orry Main.  Underneath the masks were decent human beings who loved each other despite their very different political persuasions.  And underneath your mask too there is probably a much better human being than the one you are currently displaying.  Dive beneath all those masks and find that real "you".

Self-Image

Try this exercise.  In one short sentence, without using your name, write down who you are.

When someone asks who you are, your answer will usually depend on the context.

If, for example, you are stopped by a security guard as you enter a company's offices, you will probably identify yourself in terms of why you believe you have a right to be there.  For example "I am a new employee and I was asked to report to reception".

But if you are asked the same question in no particularly special context, you probably answer with your name.  That is what identifies you.

How did you answer?

As I told you not to use your name you probably used a different label.  Perhaps your job title and the name of your employer - e.g. "I am an accountant working for Grant Thornton".  If you are studying, maybe you wrote down "I am a business student at Harvard University".  

Or maybe you have used a more personal label.  "I am a loving husband and father", or "I am a loving wife and mother".

Whatever label you may have used, that is not the real "you".  It is a mask you hold up to the world.

What IS the real you?

Hidden behind the various labels you use are many thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Your identity may just be a name, job title or a face to those around you, but it encapsulates far more than this to you.

Try answering the question again, but this time don't use any labels.  Dig deep.  Identify the image you have of yourself.  You may need to spend some time doing this, coaxing the image out.

Once you have identified your self-image, see how comfortable you are with it.  Is it a good image?  How does it make you feel?  Is there anything about it you would like to change?

You will probably find some negatives within it.  Re-write your image but replace those negatives with positives.  I suggest you attach a photo of yourself to the page where you have your modified self-image.  That way, you will begin to associate the image you want to have of yourself with your picture.  Eventually your subconscious mind will automatically assume that this new and improved image is the real you.

Someone I know who exudes confidence and has a great ability to inspire others, does a very simple exercise every day.  He stands in front of a mirror and tells himself he is a wonderful, handsome man.  He has always done this from his early teens.  When he started doing it, he didn't really believe it, but because he kept telling himself the same things every day eventually he DID believe it.  More importantly, so does everyone with whom he comes into contact!  His positive self-image is contagious.  What he does every day is quite similar to what I am asking you to do once you have identified what you want your self-image to be.

This may sound simple.  Other than the need to dig deep and make your true self-image emerge, it IS quite simple.  But don't let the simplicity deceive you.  This is an extremely powerful technique.  Use it properly and your self-confidence will improve by leaps and bounds.  You will find yourself behaving in ways you never imagined possible.  A massive return for not a great deal of effort.

Get working on your self-image today and be prepared to see big, positive changes!